Devil May cry

2011-07-08T00:14:00.000-07:00

I45 things a girl wants for but wont ask for.

1. Touch her waist.
2. Actually talk to her.
3. Share secrets with her.
4. Give her your jacket.
5. Kiss her slowly.

Are you remembering this?
6. Hug her.
7. Hold her.
8. Laugh with her.
9. Invite her somewhere.
10. Hangout with her and your friends together.

KEEP READING ..
11. Smile with her.
12. Take pictures with her.
13. Pull her onto your lap.
14. When she says she loves you more, deny it. Fight back.
15. When her friends say “I love her more than you”, deny it. Fight back and hug her tight so she can’t get to her friends. It makes her feel loved.

Are you thinking of someone?
16. Always hug her and say I love you whenever you see her.
17. Kiss her unexpectedly.
18. Hug her from behind around the waist.
19. Tell her she’s beautiful.
20. Tell her the way you feel about her.

One last thing you need to do to show her you actually do mean it.
21. Open doors for her, walk her to her car - it makes her feel protected, plus it never hurts to act like a gentleman.
22. Tell her she’s your everything - only if you mean it.
23. If it seems like there is something wrong, ask her - if she denies something being wrong, it means SHE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT - so just hug her. 24. Make her feel loved.
25. Kiss her in front of OTHER girls you know!

WE MIGHT DENY IT BUT WE ACTUALLY LIKE AND KINDA WANT YOU TO TICKLE US ..
26. Don’t lie to her.
27. DON’T cheat on her.
28. Take her ANYWHERE she wants.
29. Text message or call her in the morning and tell her have a good day at school, and how much you miss her.
30. Be there for her whenever she needs you, and even when she doesn’t need you, just be there so she’ll know that she can always count on you.

ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? YOU BETTER, BECAUSE IT’S IMPORTANT.
31. Hold her close when she’s cold so she can hold you too.
32. When you are alone hold her close and kiss her.
33. Kiss her on the cheek; (it will give her the hint that you want to kiss her).
34. While in the movies, put your arm around her and then she will automatically put her head on your shoulder, then lean in and tilt her chin up and kiss her lightly. 35. Don’t ever tell her to leave even jokingly or act like you’re mad. If she’s upset, comfort her.

REMEMBER ALL THESE THINGS WHEN YOU ARE WITH HER NEXT ..
36. When people diss her, stand up for her.
37. Look deep into her eyes and tell her you love her.
38. Lay down under the stars and put her head on your chest so she can listen to the steady beat of your heart, link your fingers together while you whisper to her as she rests her eyes and listens to you.
39. When walking next to each other grab her hand.
40. When you hug her, hold her in your arms as long as possible.

MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS SHES LOVED.
41. Call or text her at night to wish her sweet dreams.
42. Comfort her when she cries and wipe away her tears.
43. Take her for long walks at night.
44. Always remind her how much you love her.
45. Sit on top of her and tell her how much you love her and then bend down to her face and kiss her while you’re sitting on her.

You’ll never know when she needs just a little more love ..

2010-05-21T23:15:00.000-07:00

What if you were me?

For just one day
Seeing life through a distorted view
Wondering how it got that way?
You see that person over there?
One of the many responsible for my hurt
That contemptible vindication of a human
You surmise me as unrelentingly harsh and a Loose Cannon
Words hurt my friend…healing or killing at will
Words can heal or kill
Oh but you should know this all to well!
Feel the wrath of your painfully virulent words digesting me to the core
Would you then feel ashamed?
Would you break down and cry?
Do even realize the damage you’ve done!
You pushed me and pushed to the very edge!
It killed me…I MEAN IT GODDAMN KILLED ME INSIDE!
It depressed me to mental suicide
And YOU caused ME to DIE!
To pay for your MISTAKES!
To take my life that night
What is your excuse?!
WHY…oh why I plead down on my knees!
Did you have the need to destroy something beautiful?!
But you will never know what you truly did
I doubt you even care
As I watch you from above, Rage rushing out of me
Sometimes I even wonder...do you notice I’m gone?
My final question for you
If someday we trade shoes
A feeling I’ll never know
How does it feel to know you took someone’s life?

2010-05-21T22:53:00.000-07:00

I fell asleep smiling, I woke up in a trance
Beautifully haunted by a conflicting romance
The constellations painting the night fall into her lies
Contradictive affection, innocence I despise

There’s a unique tranquility wrapped around me
Pulling me into its bottomless sea
Just another figment of her imagination, another goodbye
Falling through the cracks of sweetness, good intention gone awry

I dreamt of suicide yesterday; today I don’t want to die any less
But still, I am smiling, to my heart’s content
It beats without breaking, it bleeds without aching
Another ironic melody

There’s nothing worth saving, she’s all that you’re hating
Even if you wanted to help, there’s nothing left of me.
I fell asleep with the knife in hand, I fell asleep crying
But when I awoke the knife was gone; I found myself smiling
Because I know, the celestial gate of my dreams is approaching
Only one more day of this agonizing pain, only one more day of loathing

I’m sick of the truth, I’m sick of the lies
I’m sick of the smiles, I’m sick of the cries
I’m sick of the darkness, I’m sick of the light
I’m sick of what’s wrong, I’m sick of what’s right

I’m taking myself away into the night
Forever never seemed so close
Just another silly fantasy where innocence is despised
That's diminishing along with the falling snow
I fell asleep smiling, I woke up in a trance
You wanted to survive? This is your last chance...

2010-04-24T13:19:00.000-07:00

Dark nites dark days

I See shit in different ways, I do have a God to whom

I can praise,

They say he works in many ways, I have not yet seen one,

Shit has gotten alot worse from where

It begun, but still I don't run,

No questions answered?

Am I just the one to blame,

Trying to remain calm with my pride balled up in my palm,

Anger getting the best of me,

Life is eatting the rest of me,

In the end heartless is how I'm gonna be,

I can only take so much,

Before I go insane,

Shit i already did, life is a bid

I wish death was quick

Like with no notice wish I had a knife to cut my throat with

But the streets are....

So cold they so dark you can beg and plead but there's no need your all alone With no mead with many needs

No REAL friends

Barely got a mom got no dad you all alone..

I'm not feelin the same anymore

My life is black n grey like a old school corner store

Think about ending it everyday

I don't know if I can live with the pain

It's too deep to think any other way

I wish it would rain

I feel like im stuck in this drought

I know it's not right i need to find a new route

Stuck in the dark, sitting in a corner at night listen to how dogs bark,

Looking straight at nothin but then I see a spark.

Like a light, have my prayers been heard,

Just wanna feel like it's gonna be Alright.Is this real is this heaven, is this the end of my fight.

Can I rest properly tonight, one way ticket to?

The next life and I'm just not into missing my flight.

Nothing seems real,

I'm not able to feel,

The pain from begging on my knees,

I float above the ground like I'm on wheels,

sold my soul , thought that was the deal.

But now I'm by myself,

Living my life like a shadow was better for my own health,

I hear the voices surrounding me, they yell.

But well, this is my story to tell.

2010-04-19T04:50:00.000-07:00

I feel it creeping up again,

that appalling taste of death

It is seeping deep into my soul,

lingering on my breath

My eyes filled with such a darkness,

in this wicked black I see

A pitch I’ve never known before,

taking full control of me

Ever falling into the depths,

and I cannot find the light

Drifting so far from reality,

I’m cursed to walk the night

I keep searching for a hand to hold,

while drowning in these tears

Stumbling down this broken path,

I have walked so many years

While this emptiness consumes me,

all that‘s left is thought and ash

Into this hell I’ve fallen,

unto this bedrock I do crash

Unable to feel anything,

my memories fading fast

I have become nothing again,

set free from this life at last

2010-04-19T03:52:00.000-07:00

The full moon drips upon her heart,

with sorrow plain to see

She’s longing for those kisses soft,

that now will never be

As clouds roll in to ease the pain,

blown by a friendly wind

Wondering if this torment felt,

was born of times she sinned

Forever she has walked this path,

her soul has turned to dust

He’s been gone so long yet memories flow,

still feeling his lust

These tortured nights spend all alone,

are driving her to tears

Knowing that she wear this anguish,

throughout her final years

Bittersweet this love for him,

which tear her dreams of life

No words to aid or comfort,

she will never be a wife

Heightened are her thoughts of death,

with no solace to be found

Into this Hell she’s fallen,

in her dire tears she’ll drowned

Innocence now torn apart,

consumed with embittered hate

An empty shell is all she is,

unable to bear the weight

2010-03-31T20:11:00.000-07:00

I think I'm gonna choose this month

To say what I wanna say

So that I can finally close this chapter of my life

The life that made me turn my insides out

So I guess I'm intentionally dedicating this blog

To this particular person

Who became one of the catalysts that brought these great alterations

(And then later labeled, by me, as the huge fuckin' PARASITE!)

Lately I've been feeling kind of weird

So I'm assuming that this was around the time it all started

When you decided to take everything for granted

And started to stick your nose

Everywhere you felt that it belonged

I've got one thing to say to you

And that's

THANK YOU!

Thank You, thank You, Thank you!!!

Because everything wrong that happened, every thing that I thought was a curse

Were actually Great blessings in diguise

You helped me grow...

You taught me well...

I thought that you left me with nothing

I thought that you took the best part of me

But you know what?

Your lies, your accusations, and your evil deeds

Piece by piece

Tore all of my own defilements

And exposed the person that I never knew

ME

I am made new

because of you

You tried to crush me

You tried to burn me

And you did

With the intention of obliterating ME

But baby

I've gradually sparkled into something new...

I know that I shouldn't have gotten involved with you in the first place

But hey

Look where I'm standing

SHIT!

I'm still standing

I wouldn't be here

if it weren't for you...

2010-03-31T00:43:00.000-07:00

I am the true bitter Demon of the circle

The circle that I situate is closed off from all human existence.

They say that the circumference of a circle is a simple equation.

This equation they say is Circumference equals Pi times radius squared.

Not this circle, you feeble-minded scumbags.

You know nothing of my life you piece of no I’m not going to swear

You’re not even worth that.

Don’t try to tell me how to live my life

You can’t even control your own life.

There’s nothing wrong with living life in shadows.

It means I don’t have to see them and myself together.

That scene I cannot bear to witness unto

The reverence of my blinded life has no avail.

No room left in my hotel of nothingness.

Don’t attempt to get close to me; I won’t let you.

The possibility of catastrophic tension evolving is high.

I could care less for you and your disgusting point of view.

Your opinion doesn’t mean anything to me and my decayed soul.

If I wanted your advice I would have beat it out of you.

Violence is the only thing that keeps me insane.

I like feeling nothing at all.

No pain, misery or anger; one less thing I have to worry about.

The feeling of nothing feels good enough for me.

At least I cannot achieve happiness and get torn to shreds.

All I have known is immense pain and profuse misery.

So go and get the hell right out of my life.

You don’t have access here no more.

I have dispossessed you and your wretched feelings.

They and you mean absolutely nothing to me now.

I am my own man and I will live my life my own way.

Even if that means dressing to depress

Or even fighting fire with benzine.

I will forever fuel the fire that is already ablaze.

If it gets out of hand I will just cover it with my spite.

Don’t try to tell me this wrong.

Again I don’t care about you and your thoughts and opinions

About me and my life.

I could care even less about you and your life.

You couldn’t even handle the knowledge about my morose psyche.

This is me discharging animosity in discontent...

2010-03-30T22:11:00.000-07:00

YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME, YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME..

You will never know me, you are lost, scared.You think this is an illusion?

No,it's reality.

No more shall you hurt me,

Trespass over me and my dignity.

No more will you mock me

For now the flames of my raging fury

Shall torment you forever!

Ever heard of “torturing to insanity”?

Oh well,

You will know it anyway!

You think you are better than me,

More knowledgeable, more bright,

Well you can forget that now,

You can wish you never crossed my path,

Wish I were a mere nightmare,

But all your wishes will be petty ashes.

I am real!

And the pain I will cause you

Will be too real!

I will make your life a living-hell,

Draw you out of the crowd,

Humiliate you, like you did me;

Agony and misery will be your food and drink,

Torture will be your daily routine.

Your suffering will be my utmost pleasure!

I will be everywhere and in everything

You see, hear, feel, eat, drink and even dream and breathe!

My fury will bind you, burn you,

And when you scream

No one will care, no one will bother.

Your cries will be sucked into oblivion

And forgotten forever!

You think I lie?

That I am not up to my word?

TRY ME!!

I will writhe every single hope out of you.

Your life and your sleep will be an ever-lasting agony!

The pain, the torture,

The misery, the excruciation

That I will inflict upon you

Will be the most devastating,

The most destructive,

The most wrecking,

The most obliterating of all!!

I will haunt your dreams,

Spoil your joy,

Annihilate all your hope,

I will shatter your very existence!

Death would be your saviour,

Your refuge, your relief,

But I will never kill you,

NEVER!

I will torture you till your brain boils,

Till your heart explodes,

Till your soul fades,

And your sanity will be lost

Forever!

You will be a living corpse,

A vampire would have more feeling,

Would know passion

As opposed to you!

Oh, the living-hell

I will put you through,

Death will be a paradise lost

Never to be regained.

Life will be an excruciating

And ever-lasting inferno!

And I,

I am the one to do it ALL!!

2010-03-24T21:20:00.000-07:00

No one has ever held my hand as they've taken me hostage

Nor have I ever been locked up for the night in the jail cell

So who could ever imagine that this perfect little me you see

Was cascaded in waves of an insufferable hell

No loved one who cared was there to see what was going on

Everyone bought the happiness and perfection they saw

While my ability to love and my will to live was gone

It's amazing ain't it, how I can live based on my nightmares

But when I really have the chance to choose I never take a dare

I'm not lying when I tell you I'm fucking happy now

I left behind all that burning pointless pain

You aren't dignified enough so don't bother asking how

Answering your question while I live through it twice?

But you can take this fake smile and shove it

Because after all of the "Come on, you know you love it"

I'm so fucking far from nice

You can't possibly understand your freedom

Unless someone else has made an important personal choice

You cannot value your ability to speak out loud

Until someone who doesn't love you has silenced a beautiful voice

I was dying with my secrets and they grew as a life of their own

In my soul remains my demons and they'll never leave their home

I'm not lying when I tell you I'm fucking happy now

I left behind all that burning pointless pain

You aren't dignified enough so don't bother asking how

Answering your question while I live through it twice?

But you can take this fake smile and shove it

Because after all of the "Come on, you know you love it"

I'm so fucking far from nice

I'll never forgive and I will never forget

But I'm young enough to live my life and I'd rather live without regrets

I know she doesn't regret what she did to me

So I can't be the person I was back then

Too terrified to cry out

To hurt to let anyone else in

I'm not lying when I tell you I'm fucking happy now

I left behind all that burning pointless pain

You aren't dignified enough so don't bother asking how

Answering your question while I live through it twice?

But you can take this fake smile and shove it

Because after all of the "Come on, you know you love it"

I'm so fucking far from nice

You think my journey has been easy?

You think time and distance will suffice?

Time can never erase these betrayals

Time will never make me nice

I'm so fucking far from nice.

2010-03-17T06:29:00.000-07:00

The Colors of Friendship

Once upon a time the colors of the world started to quarrel.

All claimed that they were the best;

the most important,

the most useful,

the favorite

GREEN said:

“Clearly I am the most important. I am the sign of life and of hope. I was
chosen for grass, trees and leaves. Without me, all animals would die. Look over the countryside and you will see that I am in the majority.”

BLUE interrupted:

“You only think about the earth, but consider the sky and the sea. It is the
water that is the basis of life and drawn up by the clouds from the deep sea. The sky gives space and peace and serenity. Without my peace, you would all be nothing.”

YELLOW chuckled:

“You are all so serious. I bring laughter, gaiety, and warmth into the world. The sun is yellow, the moon is yellow, the stars are yellow. Every time you look at a sunflower, the whole world starts to smile. Without me there would be no fun.”

ORANGE started next to blow her trumpet:

“I am the color of health and strength. I may be scarce, but I am precious for I serve the needs of human life. I carry the most important vitamins. Think of carrots, pumpkins, oranges, mangoes, and papayas. I don’t hang around all the time, but when I fill the sky at sunrise or sunset, my beauty is so striking that no one gives another thought to any of you.”

RED could stand it no longer, he shouted out:

“I am the ruler of all of you. I am blood - life’s blood! I bring fire into
the blood. I am willing to fight for a cause. I am the color of danger and of
bravery. Without me, the earth would be as empty as the moon. I am the color of passion and of love, the red rose, the poinsettia and the poppy.”

PURPLE rose up to his full height:

He was very tall and spoke with great pomp: “I am the color of royalty and power. Kings, cheifs, and bishops have always chosen me, for I am the sign of authority and wisdom. People do not question me! They listen and obey.”

Finally INDIGO spoke, much more quietly than all the others, but with just as much determination: “Think of me. I am the color of silence. You hardly notice me, but without me you all become superficial. I represent thought and reflection, twilight and deep water. You need me for balance and contrast, for prayer and inner peace.”

So the colors went on boasting,

each convinced of his or her own superiority.

Their quarreling became louder and louder.

Suddenly there was a startling flash of bright lightening.

Thunder rolled and boomed. Rain started to pour down relentlessly.

The colors crouched down in fear, drawing close to one another for comfort.

In the midst of the clamor, rain began to speak: “You foolish colors,

fighting amongst yourselves, each trying to dominate the rest.

Don’t you know that you were each made for a special purpose,

unique and different? Join hands with one another and come to me.”

Doing as they were told, the colors united and joined hands.

The rain continued:

“From now on, when it rains, each of you will stretch across

the sky in a great bow of color as a reminder

that you can all live in peace.

The Rainbow is a sign of hope for tomorrow.”

And so, whenever a good rain washes the world,

and a Rainbow appears in the sky,

let us remember to appreciate one another.

2010-03-16T22:52:00.000-07:00

tonight is the night

tomorrow is the morning i won't see

cause nothing ever turns out right

i guess it's just my destiny

did you ever notice how bright that lamp is?

im just waiting for a girl who's not so vibrant

that she plans to shine her light across the campus

you could call me picky or a tyrant

but girls aren't made of sugar and spice

and everything thats sweet and nice

they are made up of vanity and lies

that and a bedroom full of interchangeable guys

tonight is the night

tomorrow is the morning i wont see

cause nothing ever turns out right

i guess its just my destiny

and this "help!" is not a pity cry

it's just my life's hand waving goodbye

today i learned that no one will miss me tomorrow

every second of every day is only sorrow

how i can believe that one day the truth will come

is just as certain as wether or not i can keep the beat with the drum

so when it's all said and finally done

at my wake, i expect the mourning of only one

myself, for not living the life i was handed

i pushed every palm away and took every moment for granted

2010-03-11T23:57:00.000-08:00

As darkness is his very life,

he’s always in control

To roam in sheer destruction,

charging all a toll

No one escapes his heavy grasp,

to all; he knows he’ll call

But what to do now puzzles him,

so different white and small

To gaze upon pure innocence,

it shakes him to the core

Feeling fear for the first time,

something he abhors

Frozen by the sands of time,

as he chokes now on his guilt

Heartless as he walked the ages,

a reputation built

Would it be too easy,

to strike this creature dead

Alternatives are very slim,

that bounce around his head

To show it mercy tears at him,

it goes across his grain

For death is indiscriminate,

at random all are slain

Father time stops in his tracks,

to see him make his choice

Seconds now turn to hours,

as all in nature raise their voice

There seems to be an audience,

in this decision to be made

The wrong one could linger for years,

as he stares down at his blade

As he turns and walks away,

shame does cross his face

For death has let the rabbit live,

he cowers in disgrace

Mumbling to all,

he tells the tales from younger days

Then disappears into the woods,

surrounded by a haze

2010-03-11T23:48:00.000-08:00

Innocent though he may be,

I am the angel of dark death

I’ll take him from his resting place,

drinking his last breath

A child of such a tender age,

will grow here in our ways

We’ll torment in the strictest sense,

blackening his days

When he is a young disciple,

he’ll be nefarious in name

Evil he will spread on earth,

for torture is his game

Corrupting others in his league,

and rising to his lead

He’ll teach the youngsters heinous thoughts,

hate is what they’ll bleed

At the age of his consent,

we’ll bow and call him lord

The master of the underworld,

will be his just reward

So fear not little child,

as you walk hand in hand with death

As I steal your vital air,

you’ll breathe the devils breath

2010-03-11T21:09:00.000-08:00

Shredded from the inside out,

fucking pieces of a man

Mere wreckage of my past mistakes,

Processed, filed and scanned

Cheated, broken and lied to,

all my emotions left for dead

Shattered chards for feelings now,

only hanging by a thread

So terrified to trust again,

through this world I walk alone

Each turn does bring unhappiness,

from the vast wicked unknown

Just a little hyperactive,

maybe that’s why I don’t sleep

Blanketed with insecurity,

at least eight layers deep

To wear your heart upon your sleeve,

showing all the scars

Imprisoned by my solitude,

you just can’t see the bars

Facts are I am damaged goods,

let there be not one mistake

Silence is my real torment,

my mind and body shake

I am starving to find a person,

who will take me as I am

Overwrought with bullshit,

so tired of all their scams

Until that day I’ll be a mess,

frantic in my chains

On the fringe of lunacy,

with nothing normal in my veins

2010-03-06T19:12:00.000-08:00

Let’s get something straight

Once and for all

I don’t call, I’m not taking a fall

And the wall that you encased around my heart?

I retrieved it before it turned to hate

This is straight into the bloodstream

Of your consciousness

You’re a hot mess

And to think I was considering you to be part of

The process that allowed me to survive any test

This is straight into your brain

Your visual cortex

You can perplex me no more

I know the score, 2 + 2 IS four

I’ve reached the shore after months of

Swimming in the abyss of misery

Leave

me

the

fuck

alone

My heart is now the happy home of clear tranquility

But please, continue to talk about me

Cuss at me

And don’t forget, lie to me

Yes, I said lie to me

It’s what you’ve done best

Never was I worthy of the rest of your heart

Only the part that you wanted me to hold

Not the part that’s rampaging and cold

Bold enough to tell me that I think with my dick

That’s a trick, for wasn’t that the dick that

Made your mind and body click??

Oh wait, that was a lie too

But look at me, no ‘boo hoo hoo’

On my end, just my ability to depend on my own character

This is no subliminal message

I want this to be loud and clear

And anyone that holds you or I dear

Will see it and know I have no fear

And know exactly what I’m talking about

Attack my character??

Fine, let your mind revolve around your own reality

You and your version of “Must-See-Me, Me, Me”

Can just go away now and let me be

I wish it was chapter I could re-write,

I would have never written it in the first place

What a waste

Every fucking moment

I would have left it in space

And while flawed and imperfect,

I know when enough is enough

And I’m not that tough to be beaten on time and time again

And when the ticking time bomb goes off

And like the leaf that blows in the wind

The reality is you were still never the thing I needed most

To be my better Half....

2010-03-05T20:55:00.000-08:00

In the depths of the earth

I send all my pain.

It may visit me often,

but I will banish it again.

They think that I am not a threat

that they can harm me with ease.

The latter is true but the former construed -

for I am a walking disease.

Havoc to their precious worlds

will redeem some of their feats.

Nothing makes up for it

the way their heart ceases to beat.

My heart was crushed long ago

but that does not justify

the selfish grahzny bastards

leading me to cry.

So first I find their souls

and rip it from their chest.

Ruining their life and mind,

now that part is the best.

When they are wrecked and ruined

drowning in misery.

That's when I reveal myself

and smile witheredly.

I am your doom and suffering,

as they cower under my proposals.

The remnants of their life,

Now you're at my at my disposal.

Purge my hatred into you.

Forcefeed you excretion until you spew.

Slowly let all blood drain,

practise feats of searing pain.

Acid and bleach, vinegar and fire,

teasing and taunting to make you perspire.

In my domain now you'll suffer and I

crooning and ecstatic can watch as you die....

Then when all is said and done,

just revert back to line one.

2010-03-05T20:27:00.000-08:00

I've been beaten countless times

It hurts so much,

It hurts more

Than losing a thousand lives.

There's sorrow in my past,

present, and may i say future

I wish i was anything

Anything but this creature.

I wonder when this misery

is going to end

I beg, I cry

Waiting for that day

The day that i finally die.

I look into his face

my denominator,

Wondering will he also be

my terminator.

His eyes are full of evil and hate

he's the master of the underworld,

The master of fate.

As the day goes

Just fly by

I look for comfort

i look at the night sky.

I wish i was there

It's starry, and dark

To make

My own angel's mark.

Its stupid you know,

I've tried to confess

but the thing is

it'll all end in darkness.

I think of standing up

and just be brave

but the thing is

that will be my early grave.

I just sat there,

thinking of him

the one that will save me

but the light, so dim.

He's my hero,

He's my savior,

He'll save me from

this demented creator.

Until that day comes

I'll be sitting right here

Waiting, and waiting

Each passing year..

2010-03-02T14:07:00.000-08:00

Is it the truth or an illusion

is he beauty or a beast

Seven deadly sins for dinner

vanity the daily feast

Promising what is not his

and delivering only pain

With every vile indulgence

his youth begins to wane

Never a blemish on that face

not wrinkle or a crease

Of his painting torment calls

never does it cease

Pure debauchery and lust

for a woman curves

Opium to quell the fears

those which he deserves

Morbid twisted features

his shadows growing old

Oils wretched in crisis

as the punishment unfolds

“Prince Charming” in appearance

poison for a soul

Murder and gross mayhem

begin to take control

Portrait severely cracked

disfigured in the face

Body wilted from his sin

showing it disgrace

No atonement stops his torture

nowhere to retreat

This agony consumes him

giving tasting to his deceit

In final desperation

he carves the canvas with a knife

Fate does come full circle

Dorian Gray has lost his life

2010-03-02T13:59:00.001-08:00

Clutching to my sanity

as tears fall like the rain

Whispers trying to keep warm

wanting to explain

Darkness fall upon the day

the voices must be heard

Telling of tomorrows pain

and what has now occurred

Waking in a padded cell

the window painted black

I know that it’s all in my head

yet I keep coming back

And then the silence calls to me

it knows me by my name

Telling me I am not sick

and this is all a game

2010-03-02T13:43:00.000-08:00

Devour my chains of bondage,

give back my torment

Lift my drowned desires of torture,

hear sour lament

I pray you send my pain to me,

hear my joyful cries of woe

The pleasures of sin I crave so much,

once again bestow

My blackened soul needs stench of death,

to fill my empty chest

Ingesting flesh of mortal man,

here at your behest

Grant me hell for all I’ve done,

punish my ragged corpse

Help me to live in your love,

my mind again be warped

Dark lord hear my repugnant cry,

to fight along your side

Your will commands I do your bid,

my service to provide

Set free to roam their every dream,

anguished prayers rebuked

Beginning with my capture here.

2010-03-02T13:19:00.000-08:00

Fear is My Name

The wind blows death across my feet

the howling of the trees

A scent just like humidity

reaching one hundred six degrees

Barren edge cuts as a knife

unfolds the forest down below

Awaiting sorrows solitude

a death that no one else can know

Nostrils flared with sunken eyes

sleep eludes me now for days

Ground bludgeoned from the hell before

I walk the burning haze

The silence here quite deafening

as the sweat pours down my skin

I fear no evil in these woods

but fear the evil kept deep within

Betraying all humanity

my heart and soul have turned to dust

Tears have long since died away

leaving sunken trails of rust

Nefarious my thoughts and deeds

a blunt deception of all mankind

With barbed tongue I spoke the words

and left them deaf and blind

Even the wicked abhor my name

all others just call me fear

Alone I’ve ruled for centuries

and once again I’ve reappeared

To walk this final battleground

where only the silence rules the day

In ruins combatants strewn these fields

no graves for them to lay

This war of hatred their demise

they’ve followed blindly just as sheep

Fighting me with all their might

only to watch the masses reaped

Millennia of waging wars

without a noble cause had they to win

Payment rendered in full today

suffering now for all their sins

Blow the stench of malevolence

to every nation far and wide

From me you’ll find no way to win

and no where you can hide

2010-02-13T21:48:00.000-08:00

I see the clouds rolling in and oh how it looks like rain

And it is always I fight for the welcome change

When it rains it pours on this heart of mine

So, I take the storms I feel to her each time.

But I know she has lived under her own pouring rain

Yet under her water her heart still doesn't change

She can walk away from what hangs overhead

And, not in her storm, are words left unsaid.

Not in her storm have I ever felt alone

Her storm ends, so I, may find my way home

It's for me that she pushes away her own rain

So, that I may find comfort in calling her name.

She lives in this world for the sake of another's heart

God, how she eases the miles when worlds apart

And she never wanders when your world falls through

Not ever in her storm would she do this to you.

She has wings that I know not only I can see

Cause only an angel could find strength to carry me

It's the way that the eyes can surely view

How her heart's written so clearly in what an angel can do.

Not in her storm is her work ever done

And even in her storm she hands me the sun

When her world is dark I always have light

And now how I hold the new color of night.

She takes then she gives to an unhappy face

So that many can find an awesome place

I have been able to love her more every day

And with her hand in mine the clouds roll away.

Not in any storm that I will ever live beneath

Could ever change what I hold here inside of me

Not in any of her storms have I lost my angels touch

To that angel out there, I love her so much.

Ps: i did this for my dearest Friend Nuraj...

2010-02-02T22:09:00.000-08:00

To the girl whose beauty is present in all seasons,

I want to tell you why you are beautiful, here are the reasons:

Your beauty extends as high as the tallest mountains,

it goes on forever and never flattens.

Even when the clouds heighten,

you are here and the world brightens.

You are like a fruit that constantly ripens,

your beauty continues to grow no matter what happens.

You are unique in the way that you glisten,

it never erodes, it only thickens.

My fondness for you constantly deepens,

because every time I see you my knees begin to weaken.

The rules of nature you do not follow,

you shine so bright you create your own shadow.

When you are out of sight the world feels shallow,

but your face never leaves my mind, it repeats like an echo.

Your beauty is like a boulder that can’t be moved,

it never shakes and it can’t be improved.

The one sound I like to hear, it’s an easy choice, !

it’s the soothing sound of your voice.

It complements your looks with the perfect melody,

putting all around you in complete harmony.

You are better than a man’s best fantasy,

God showed us mercy when he gave us you and eyes to see.

Your beauty increases with every breath,

it exceeds the limits that my imagination can stretch.

You have what others could only wish to match,

but your beauty they will never catch.

I swear, you would be the answer to a prayer,

if someone wished for something rare with beauty to spare.

Given the choice I would choose this girl over air,

for air cannot compare to a girl that can’t be found elsewhere.

P.s I did this for my dearest Bestie Kashyra...

2010-02-02T21:45:00.000-08:00

I sit and wonder how time passed.

how days turned into weeks, Weeks to months and months to years.

it all feels the same though.

like as if time stopped.

but then i realize time doesn’t stop for no one.

it keeps going even if you feel like you can’t

it proves to you that time can heal all.

But does that really happen.

does time heal the pain or make you feel numb to it.

so you can repress it and eventually one day forget about it.

its as if time plays a cruel game to see how long before your emotions erupt.

you lose once you remember what caused the pain to begin with

Time really is nothing more than a distraction.

it tries to hide the fact of what has occured by keeping forward.

it lures you with its tick to make you count the days since you last breathed.

time has no stopping .

it does what it can to help

but its help is unwanted.

The numbness it has caused actually comes back in pieces.

once time has moved forward enough to make u remember a date or anniversary then it all comes back full blast.

you realize that time can only do so much for you

that you need to pick up the fragments of your life.

you need to rebuild or soon there will be nothing left.

that’s easier said then done.

Once you rebuild you realize it doesn’t matter

you are nothing more that a skeleton.

a simple outline of what life should be.

you have no emotions.

no sense of being

and no drive to live.

Time once again steps in.

seasons pass and you start to come back to life.

the fragments of your soul come back to you and start warming the cold skeleton.

you were a house with no furniture but now the furniture is there.

but something is missing.

you know that nothing will ever be the same again

but you try anyway.

It’s been 1 year plus and counting.

you are unchanging.

the house you were has been emptied by a thief in the night

a thief you were aware was a threat

it is the heart.

2010-02-02T09:42:00.001-08:00

Journey Up The Road where does the road begin.

can never find the beginning or end.

Another day same time.

moving with nothing in mind.

Ready to stroll on another trip.

moving ahead with no boundaries I can’t slip.

Searching with each step for better days.

seem like everything negative is the easy way.

Now I’m on the big street.

Suffering from the smothering heat.

looking ahead hoping the road come to an end.

Moving slower on the road it’s starting to bend.

can’t stand any longer I’m bending on one knee.

Feeling trapped amongst the big forest trees.

Ready to cry.

no hope for me why must I try.

My journey up the road is near.

The road seem to continue the ending is not clear.

2010-02-02T09:09:00.001-08:00

What is worse than empty lined paper,

lying in front of you?

A pencil moving light and slowly,

beautifully but tired, over the sheet?

Drawing circles in your head,

but on the paper nothing is written?

The head upon the pillow,

the eyes are nearly closed. Dreaming far away.

In this dream, nothing has changed. Bright it is,

and oh, so wonderful.

Dreams turns into nightmares. Nightmares into reality.

Reality is once again worse than dreams.

What is then worse than empty lined paper?

Reality I tell you my friend

2010-02-02T08:06:00.001-08:00

In my perfect little world, people greet,

they kiss and hug each time they meet.

Friends hold hands, and calm your fears;

they stick around to wipe your tears.

But in the world today, we just don’t care,

and showing love is somewhat rare.

When times are fun all friends are near,

then things get tough and most disappear.

In my perfect little world, we give and share;

we make it a point, to show we care.

We live to love, and love to live,

and find it easy to forgive.

But in the world today we strive on greed,

and crave the things we rarely need.

We step on others to get our way,

and hurt with what we do or say.

In my perfect little world, children smile,

and parents go that extra mile.

No child is ever harmed or hurt,

abused or treated just like dirt.

But in the world today most people cry,

and only pray in case they die.

We’ve given in to all that’s bad,

and then complain that life is hard.

In my perfect little world were all the same

and life is not a spiteful game.

People are loyal, honest and just,

and value the gift of friendship and trust.

But in the world today it seems,

we’ve lost all hope or goals and dreams.

Malicious acts are seen as witty,

I think it’s sad and such a pity.

2010-02-01T00:41:00.001-08:00

2010-01-31T21:49:00.000-08:00

I am nobody to many but somebody to me,

I look for a greater calm to set me free,

I am everything yet nothing I can be...

I am lost yet found yet lost once again,

I hold in my power, my fears and my pain,

I am cold, warm and passionate and plain!

I am still learning about life though I've lived long enough!

I am hoping, wishing, praying to be stronger, to be tough...

I am petals of flowers and diamonds of rough!

I am here standing though I wish I was away from here,

I miss those who once were so close and near,

I crave a love that was never ever dear!

I am a whole of pieces, a some of no parts!

I am a pauper of aces and a King of hearts!

I am who I am with all the ends and the starts!

2010-01-31T21:32:00.001-08:00

I'm losing my faith in humanity.

Everywhere I see there's

way too much vanity.

I show amazing self-restraint.

Do you have a problem?

Go file a complaint.

I've survived Hell.

All around me are

reasons why I should rebel.

Everybody acts like I can't

add up to what you can but

I enjoy being your opposite.

You wish you were someone else

so on my name you spit.

Out long ago of the river of purity.

You need to grow up

and show some maturity.

Your life has to be under construction.

To become a good person

follow the #1 instruction.

It must be too hard for you

because the outcome is horrific.

I gave you that clean slate and

chance to be real.

You still took the easy way

out and insulted.

For the being real issue,

Was I just not specific?

It's not my fault for your pathetic lives.

You want to see the bodies pile up

"emo" after "emo" so

your life has meaning.

What's your childhood trauma?

Did mommy not love you enough?

Did daddy leave?

As you tell me, get over yourself.

You're no exception to

drowning in dark waters,

You're not the someone that never dives.

Look at me and then look

at you in description.

You hate what's in you,

You love what's in me,

You're going to lose your mind

every time you're mad, as my prediction

2010-01-27T19:58:00.001-08:00

Black and white and shades of gray,

Things you can and cannot say.

Right and wrong, good and bad,

Can something good make you sad?

Stay and fight, or run away,

No matter what you'll have to pay.

So many choices that you have to make,

Should you be real and honest or fake?

If you're real your conscience is quiet,

But you sleep alone each and every night.

If you're fake you face constant guilt,

But you get to keep the life you've built.

Your heart is filled with uncertainty and doubt,

Always fearing you'll be found out.

Your mind and heart are in constant battle

That makes your stomach churn and your nerves rattle.

Should you stay or should you go?

When you figure it out, please let me know.

2010-01-27T19:51:00.000-08:00

With sad thoughts of tomorrow

from past deeds left unchecked

I sit here and ponder

If my life will ever change

With the uncertainty of death

Sneaking in my brain

Tomorrow holds new wonders

But for me its always the same

Some dream about their future

While others dwell in the past

But neither are really different

When the end of time comes at last

So I sit here still thinking

If there's any future for me

I can hear the clock clicking

Counting down on my dreams

But when my time has come

What will I leave behind

Endless dreams of success

The reality of misery

2010-01-27T13:01:00.001-08:00

I was a failure and a reject

in the delusion of my mind.

I had a million eyes to give,

but people still were blind.

Things never would have gone so bad

if it hadn't been for you.

You took my normal, happy life

and tore it right in two.

Every day a living hell.

To go on was a curse.

And love and joy and happiness

they only make it worse.

I never saw my life.

I watched it slowly fade away.

But I saw the darkness

as it came in for its stay.

The darkness was you

and the shadow you cast.

Fear filled my soul

now I'll never last.

In the darkness of my mind

hide the secrets of hell.

And every other horrible thing

where only demons dwell.

But I also hide the secret

of all the pain you caused.

I didn't want the world to know

who or what I was.

You can't be saved.

Your destiny's chosen

Your path has been paved.

No potions to save you

nor magical spells.

And I smile, and whisper

I'll see you in hell.

2010-01-27T12:43:00.001-08:00

Desperately wanting the nightmare to end.

Unable to heal,

Unable to mend.

Repressed pain of the past,

Comes to haunt me at last.

My sanity sinking,

And I'm tied to the mast.

Never asking for this.

I was given no choice.

Abused and disposed of,

And left with no voice.

Stripped of trust.

Deprived of self worth.

Locked away in my own,

Private hell on earth.

I need to get out.

I have to break free.

But it all seems so hopeless,

Because I can't find the key

2010-01-26T11:24:00.000-08:00

Do you know what I think are the silliest mistakes that anyone could ever do?

Hanging on to thin air, trying to grab on to something that can barely hold itself up!

Trying to fix what has been broken...

Fighting for something/someone that is not even yours….

Assuming that if you are good others will return the favor eventually…

Believing empty words and hollow promises…

Opening up to everyone at any time thinking that they would empathize…

Caring too much…

Giving more than you could ever get in return…

Changing who you are for someone…

Escaping the harsh reality…

Living in "your own perfect world" when the world outside is anything but perfect!

Hoping when your hopes are built on nothing solid!

Allowing yourself to need others…

Putting your guard down and trusting completely…

Loving with all your heart while negating your mind…

Hurting others and forgetting that what goes around must for sure come around!

Thinking that people can and will change for you…

I guess all I'm trying to say is what I feel at the moment:

I'm so angry!

2010-01-17T04:04:00.000-08:00

My life has been full of imaginative joy and unimaginative sorrow.

My life has been full of unstanderized goals and body consuming laziness.

I tire my soul and mind to successfully put on the mask of artist.

Am I an artist?

No.

I am merely a child chasing a fantasy.

Am I a writer?

Or do i also tire myself to put on the mask of a literary genius?

I'm not sure anymore.

I caress the darkness.

Yet I've always complained about the darkness.

I let myself fall deeper and deeper into the hell they call self pity.

Why is that?

I hate the darkness.

I envy the darkness.

I love the darkness.

It gives me reasons to...

It gives me excuses to...

I hate the darkness.

I live on.

With weary movements and a blank mind.

I'm a mere observer of all that happens.

I've created invisible barriers.

I. myself created loneliness.

I, myself created despair.

I, myself created the only enemy that matters.

I've come to the conclusion that i am undesirable.

2010-01-09T23:38:00.000-08:00

Do you?

Do you?

Ever feel so alone?

And helpless?

So lost in this reality?

This is how I feel every hour of every day of my life.

Do you really understand?

How it feels walking among the people who don't care to know of your existence?

To have to lie to your family about who you really are?

To feel like you're living someone else's life, living in a strangers world?

This is how I feel every minute of this life.

Do you know?

What it's like to loose a bond with a very important person?

What it's like living with the feelings of depression?

And not know the reason for it?

And what it's like living in my shoes?

I know that.

Did you know?

Over Thirty Thousand people die a year, just from suicide?

And over Seventy Five Million attempt it?

It's normal to think of suicide?

Most people who die by suicide, are strong. But were just depressed?

Some people who attempt it, end up brain damaged?

The number one cause IS depression, and people just want to escape the pain?

I knew that..

Do you care?

About life or death?

If I give into temptations?

About things that affect others?

Do you?

If everything were to fall apart and shatter into ten million pieces..

Would you?

Will you?

Could you?

Do you...?

2010-01-01T23:08:00.001-08:00

Life is crazy,

and totally unpredictable...

It's going to push you over,

kick you while you're down

and hit you when you try to get back up.

Not everything can beat you.

Things are going to change you,

But you get to choose which ones you let change you.

Listen to your heart,

Follow your dreams,

And let no one tell you what you're capable of.

Push the limits,

Bend the rules,

And enjoy every minute of it.

Laugh at everything,

Live for as long as you can.

Love all,

But trust none.

Believe in yourself,

And never lose faith in others

Settle for nothing but only the best,

And give 110% in everything you do.

Take risks,

Live on the edge,

Yet stay safe,

And cherish every moment of it.

Life is a gift,

Appreciate all the rewards,

And jump on every opportunity.

Not everyone's going to love you

But who needs them anyways.

Challenge everything,

And fight for what you believe.

Back down to nothing,

But give in to the little things in life,

After all, that is what makes you.

Forget the unnecessary,

But remember everything,

Bring it with you everywhere you go.

Learn something new,

And appreciate criticism.

Hate nothing,

But dislike what you want.

Never forget where you came from,

And always remember where you are going.

Live Life to its fullest,

And have a reason for everything,

Even if it's totally insane.

Find Your purpose in life,

and Live it!

2009-12-21T16:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Momma and Papa,

I hope you know I loved you,

I tried to let my light shine through,

But only darkness came,

And it put me to shame.

I can't be your perfect child,

I wasn't tame, I was wild,

And through the years that I spent,

I wish I knew where they went,

From year one to five it was a blur,

But I accepted it, I said,"Sure,"

But year six I began school,

I began to break the rules,

A's meant more to you than my life,

You didn't care about my strife,

Come year seven I had few friends,

None of them lasted to the end,

Hello eight so many fights,

I lost all my childhood rights,

Lies and rumors filled my mind,

And none were too kind,

I found the truth out from you,

I was adopted and unwanted too,

From other people that gave me up.

Welcome nine I see you well,

But far too much for me to tell,

Quiet and quiet was I,

It was hard to say good-bye,

Laughter ringing in the air,

Not that anyone gave a care,

Ten was better I guess you could say,

I was used to the pain of day,

No friend to talk and laugh about,

Only cries, yells, and shouts,

Eleven wasn't that much better,

Except I learned of a new letter,

H is for hate I soon found out,

One no one noticed or cared about,

Twelve came and went real slow,

More lies and rumors for my friends to know,

Hello loneliness welcome back,

Here's my heart cold and black.

Thirteen was better I choose to say,

I laughed more everyday,

To cover my screams deep inside,

I wished I would just off and die,

That year I hated my life,

So I began to befriend the knife,

And blood began to run all round,

Not a cry was heard, Not a drop was found,

And that year I knew it true,

I wasn't good enough to belong to you,

I hated myself for all I did,

I had hated myself since I was a kid,

You dismissed those feelings left unsaid,

Saying,"Not true, go to bed,"

I shut my door and cried my eyes,

And wished that I had never heard the lies,

Maybe the world would be happier yet,

If it was me they never met,

So I didn't talk, I didn't tell,

And come fourteen I'd be in hell.

Good day fourteen,

Now be a good boy and let's be seen,

The boy who messed up so much,

The boy who was cold to the touch,

The boy who cried alone at night,

The boy who couldn't see the light,

The boy who was the parents mistake,

The boy who chose to fake,

The boy who hid his inner cries,

The boy that tonight dies,

The boy that at fourteen died,

The boy that committed suicide,

The boy that won't be missed,

The boy that no girl wanted to kiss,

The boy that never made it a day,

Passed fourteen now the boy is in his 20's all he wanted to say.

Good-bye my family, my home, and my friends,

I guess for me this is the end,

But not too late I asure you tonight,

Tonight I will see the light,

I won't be in pain any longer I hope,

I had to die so please just cope,

I doubt you'll cry but if you do,

Please don't cry I loved you,

I never hated you I want you to know,

I hated myself so please just go,

Be happy and live and laugh and be,

And I'll be happy I'm finally free,

Momma and Papa I love you too,

I wanted to thank especially you,

For the house over my ungrateful head,

For food, family, and a warm safe bed,

Thank you for all you love,

You guys were sent from above,

Sorry I couldn't be what you wished for,

I wish I could have given more,

I shall make just one last word,

I wish to be heard,

I never wanted to hurt anybody.

Love,

Your Angel

2009-12-21T16:23:00.000-08:00

Don't know what’s going on
I thought I was fine
But I guess nothing’s over
It’s time to be jolly
To laugh, love and play
I'm just crying
I just want to die
My friends.....
I don't know them anymore
My parents... hate me
I look in the mirror
And despise all that is me
I mean, c’mon
I'm writing a lame, self-pitying poem
I'm not worth it anymore
I don't expect anyone to read this
No one’s going to turn to me
And offer a helping hand
Truthfully it doesn’t matter
One day I’ll be dead
Then you don't have to bother
With my self-centred drivel
I would say sorry to my friends
If I believed that they care
Quite frankly I can’t deal
With their bullshit anymore
Everyone said you have to open up
Tell people how you feel
Well I did, my friends
I told them I was ready to die
Suicide note, razor and all
They clearly don't know me
Because the next day
I lie; I say I'm fine
They actually believe me
I just fucking told them
I wanted to commit suicide
And they think it’s all gone
Just like that... I wish
But it doesn’t work like that
It’s going to be with me, forever
According to them
I'm a bad person
Because I'm shy and
I have low self-esteem
So I'm clearly not worthy
Of their fucking acquaintance
It’s not my bloody fault
Just look at me
Read this pile-of-shit poem
I can’t keep lying
I try... I know, hard to believe right?
I smile for them lie for them
We all do don’t we?
And it’s all my fault
It’s always my fucking fault
So you know what
Why don't I just leave?
Make it easier for y’all
Nobody going to miss me
I wouldn’t, if I were them
My parents wont mind either
I'm the failure of the family
Why not really?
But, shall I wait till after Year ends?
So they can enjoy this festive season
Yes, I should. Wouldn’t want to ruin
Their afternoon tea and cake now would I?
That’s settled then I'm going to kill myself
Can anybody give me a reason not to?
No. Didn’t think so
And now the lights will go out

Good night…

2009-12-12T05:59:00.000-08:00

Tossing and turning

again i can't sleep.

Nightmares again

plauge my dreams.

When will this end?

The suffering

and the pain.

It seems everytime i trust

it gets thrown back

in my face.

I know i made bad choices

things i regret.

But haven't i

paid back any of my debt?

Does it make sense

to relive it all over agian?

I'm so tired

i want to give up.

But i know

i'm really stuck.

Just please let me go

let me finally sleep.

Please let the pain fade away

and let me have my final day..

2009-12-12T05:44:00.000-08:00

In the blink of an eye

my whole world turned upside down

i let three simple words destroy my life

now reality is what i've found

i no longer live in that fairytale i use to dream about

instead

everything i've ever dreamed of or invision i now doubt

my thoughts tangled up,my mind confused,my feelings are hurt,my heart is abused

days go by and these feelings stay the same

while she sits at home i'm the one who gets blamed.

trouble unravels

words are exchanged, im causing everyone trouble and for that i

am ashamed.

i use to tell myslef beautiful is what you are,then her words

broke me months later and still i am scared

i let go at one time then i came back

In the Blink of an Eye

my life crumbled yet again just like that

i took a step out of myself just to evaluate now i

realize everything said,everything she claimed to be

was fake.

if i could take it all back, live the lesson i have now learned

in the blink of an eye i would never return,

return back to a time where lying and decieving ran

amok in my head where each and every day i would dread.

I tell myself someday i will look back at this and laugh

but for rite now i have to live with my actions

as well as the aftermath

NEVER EVER to God,my family,myself will i do the same mistakes again

because my life could change forever in just

One Blink of an Eye.

2009-12-12T05:37:00.000-08:00

I sit here and think of how we should be..

and I think of why we aren't..

the sun is setting and the sky is crying..

I wish I could say that the moisture on my cheeks is the rain..

but that would be a lie.

I wish the rain could wash away the guilt.

and the unknowns of what the future holds.

But thats not gonna happen..

we're too far gone.

and we cant turn back.

I wish I could believe

that you'll always love me.

but I can't..

because Love isn't forever..

it's only for the moment...

and I know that if I was to die tonight..

that you wouldnt care...

you wouldnt think twice about me..

you wouldn't be at my funeral

wishing I was alive.

you wouldn't be there looking in my casket

wishing I could breathe..

wishing I could look up and smile at you.

because you never cared..

because my fake smile faded..

melted into the plastic of my heart.

and the darkness of my soul.

the smile I wore is gone

replaced by the tears.

the strong wall of my emotions has fallen.

and I don't know how to rebuild it.

I can only hope he's as good as I am..

because you'll never have a guy as good as me...

I'm one of a kind...

best believe..

that these tears I shead are not for you

but are for me.

2009-12-02T04:10:00.001-08:00

Ever feel like breaking down

'Cause you feel so lonely?

But when you go out

you get disappointed. . .

Everyone says taking risks end up good

But what do you risk if there is nothing to risk for?

You go out and risk

But what you risked if your happiness

And it just stabbed you in the back

Ever feel like no one understands you

And you feel out of place

So, you be alone just to feel in place

And it turns out you feel alone and out of place again

So, you tell people and they try to help

But nothing they do actually helps

Because sure you feel 'happy'

But then you return to that empty room in that empty house

And after all that you feel lonely again

I guess like just goes in circles. . .

2009-11-28T19:52:00.000-08:00

still remember the day when we cut the chain...

still remember the words that started the pain..

oh damn is it easy to be or to see...

a hundred million feelings just jumped into my brain

something that i can not explain crying in the rain

exploring death by it's all means

i can feel my blood running in my veins

is it just that simple to say goodbye & fly

we went through hell together

you were my legs when I needed you to stand

and you were the air to my lungs

would u leave me out there to dry up & die!!!!!

mercy is a gift placed in that muscle on the left

seconds killed minutes minutes slayed hours

days have passed away sucking out all of my powers

years climbing on the throne of happiness & exhilaration

bringing down my joy welcoming me to misery nation

it's like am drowning in the quick sand of time..

guilty as charged judge replied to my crime

is it the day when we wake up n scream

and this whole thing would be just a bad dream

in the stories that have read each of them had a happy end

but this is a novel with no author so hard to pretend

pretend to be awake when am just Unconscious

will i be able to kill the Illusions

i'm captured within the walls of fear

deaf n blind as if they're nothing here..

A dark room covered me with its hands cold yet

my soul is burning windows of my vision has now turned red

Lonely - I’m alone here suffocating there is nothing left in this world to company me

to feel my touch as if I could touch and feel

All colors have turned black

a broken film of my brain that never stops never rest and never remember

i've been alive for the past 22 years on earth

been thinking of this since the day of my birth

i breath in thoughts exhale a question mark

Just like reading a good book yet in the dark

trying to understand what before knowing why

till the day comes by when u just have to die

is it time to say life goodbye?

& in between nature's arms u lie down & die

is time to stand up shout out & be understood?

is it turning from being bad to living good?

i feel like a gun with one bullet inside

if not needed in there it stays & hide

because once it's out it's never back in there

a body will drop and some smoke in the air

who said that life is fair

it's just like playing truth or dare

the bottle of life spining somewhere

there are happiness & sadness which we should share..

one day we'll all be seating on a chair

wearing glasses hard to more with Grey hair

don't blame life that u couldn't get what u wanted

it's just that u didn't fight back thats why you got hunted

i will stop asking self why

i will never drop down & die

nor be too sad and cry

everything happens for a goal

i won't let life make me fall

is that what life is about? Being full of hate? Not at all

As a person i ask you all

are we strong? or are we human beings full of lies

from this day we shall change & grow up

and if life brings us down let's ask it to shut up

stand up and fight back

no one is suffering power lack

no one is perfect that is true..

but standing together that will do...

let's make up for all our previous mistakes n start

being all together and never fall apart...

it's never too late to have some faith

in friendship in brothership in relationships as a whole

let's all be One..

2009-11-23T01:31:00.000-08:00

They say life is the real school

Going through ups and downs

Learning from your mistakes...

Tears drawing the path of tomorrow

Creating laughs by drinking up sorrow

Happiness & Sadness are just states of mind so as love

That was created for us from god above

Sometimes you hate something...hate it really bad...and it ends up being the best thing in life

Sometimes you love something....yet...turn out to be the worst chapter of your life

Pages as they're turned....memories as they're being burned....stories as they're being told.... Grudges as they're being hold...friendships when they're sold...a time line as its fold...Silence....when it seems to be out of gold

A story written describing a timeline...that someone has been through...

Every scene was taken by pros

What is expected...?

When life is the director producer & author...

While we're just actors...

Do as told...never go spontaneously...

When your closest thing becomes the furthest

When your own is not anymore the dearest......

Watching it...learn from it...rise from the ashes....

Be a new version of your own...

To your life...your mistakes are just the dawn

2009-11-22T23:33:00.000-08:00

Failing miserably, falling slowly down,
My face can wear nothing but a pathetic frown.
Where have I gone to?
This isn’t the boy I knew.
Sitting around aimlessly, watching the ground,
It seems my mind is lost, nowhere to be found.
Anxiety comes in, try to find a reason,
To my displeasure, the awful feelings deepen.
I feel like my life is over,
Ponder over thoughts that hover.
Thoughts that invade my mind and won’t go away,
They’re infectious and consuming; I know they’re not okay.
Encouraging words spew from them,
I push them out quickly, with a little hesitation.
I feel the darkness take control,
Devouring the only part of me left, my soul.
The boy I was would never surrender,
Or give himself to the ghastly figure.
With the boy, I will never abide,
I’d much rather commit suicide.
I clench my teeth to bare the feeling,
Restless nights spent tossing and turning.
Laughing and crying when it’s one of those nights,
I feel too insane to put up a fight.
Drowning in fear, in my own sorrow,
Hoping to dear God, things will be different tomorrow.
Take a long stroll down my neighborhood,
No one to express myself to, I feel misunderstood.
Record all I go through and save it for another day,
Maybe I could begin to fathom, why I feel this way.
Go to class looking a complete mess,
People stare, sensing my distress.
I ignore all the glares,
Keep thinking ‘Who cares?’
My friends talk a lot and encourage me to do the same,
Though they’re there, I feel like I’m playing a lonely game.
I’m not in the mood to socialize,
What difference do I make in all of their lives?
Day after day, they become less persistent,
They said I’m being moody, and far too distant.
I guess what that means is, our friendship is done,
That only made me realize we never really had fun.
My teacher complained to my parents, how helpful…
But she left out the fact when she’d labeled me “Mental”
She swears I was talking to my paper,
I don’t know when that happened, I can’t remember.
Another teacher suggested counseling for me,
Though I didn’t want to go, Mom said it’s best for the family.
I didn’t open up to my therapist,
Like I’d really confess to a man I didn’t trust.
I skipped our next session,
Along with school, and earned detention.
I told myself to never skip again,
Even though school can be a pain.
High As were replaced with Cs,
Cs became Fs and my family weren’t pleased.
Long lectures followed very soon after,
The yelling and insomnia only caused more pressure.
I know exactly what they really expect,
But they should consider listening to my cries with respect.
What happened to who I was before?
I don’t like being this boy anymore.
I could only feel completely helpless,
There was no one I felt could cure this sickness.
I watched hopelessly as my body continued failing,
The alien boy can’t hear the old me calling.
The last thing I could do was scream and yell,
I knew all my defenses had crumbled and fell.
All control over my emotions, was overrun,
How would my family feel, losing their first adopted son?
Did they truly ever care about me?
Now that I’m breaking, I’m part of the family?
If I put a gun to my head, would they finally see?
I could end it right now, it’d be easy.
If I pull the trigger, would they start to care?
The cost is my life, would that be fair?
I decided I’d be better off if I pulled it,
And submissively die before reality hit.
By then I’d be lying still in my casket bed,
I’d rather not be alive, but dead instead.
I don’t want to sit around and watch my dreams fall apart,
Knowing I’m unable to help would only kill my heart.
Big ideas don’t matter anymore,
Now I wonder what I’ve waited for.
I lost the war against this boy,
My life was played with, just like a toy.
Here’s my evidence, I wrote it down for you,
You’re not the only one, I miss the old me too.
I got a crown, a halo over my head,
It obviously means, I’m finally dead.
That is suicide’s only incentive,
A ring of light, your body and spirit departed.
My slow, sad process of deterioration,
My life is no longer in my possession.
A confession to depression,
And of course to this new unloved person.
After so long of living in struggle and strife,
You finally succeeded in ruining my life.

2009-11-22T22:29:00.000-08:00

My life in flames, It's all to late

I sleep on thorns but cannot feel the pain

Everything I do or say

Whispers myself away

Fade from this world

I turn my face

And hope to burn

From this world

All the beauty I feel

I know it's not real

All the beauty I see

Will never belong to me

I tried to hide

But I fell apart

Why do I try

To desolate my heart

Our relation creation of dark passion

I am forever subdued and tranquilized

Your desertion converting from my eyes

My feelings caught in your jar like fireflies

Your eyes they lie as we cry to the tired sky

My life in flames, It's all to late

I sleep on thorns but cannot feel the pain

2009-11-19T00:32:00.001-08:00

It is cold today

Indeed the rain is falling and I am alone.

Thoughts of life and love,

meaningless to anyone but myself.

I am alone.

They watch me, their eyes not knowing,

knowing nothing of what they see.

I am but another creature, alone.

They scurry on the surface, unaware,

unaware of the life below

when you are alone.

Loneliness, not a burden nor a sorrow,

but a time of solace, of deepness

never to be shared, never to be understood.

They can never reach the place where I am

And I know I will never reach the place where they are.

I know I don't want to reach that place.

True happiness is here, unmisted.

Unmisted by smiles or laughter,

unmisted by the joys of company.

To find true happiness,

to know if one is truly happy,

he must be happy alone.

2009-11-14T19:41:00.000-08:00

Look into these eye, what do you see?

Shattered soul, broken imagery

Deceive Me

Allow the lies to roll of your tongue.

(I will believe you, I need you)

EMBRACE ME.

Understand who I am, first hand.

Do you feel it?

Im ice cold

Im lifeless

Im numb

Look into my heart, what do you see?

Black and bare, not a single beat...the world is dead to me

Hurt Me.

Im your rag-doll, toss me around.

(Im yours, use me, abuse me, hate me)

UNDERSTAND ME.

Feel who I am, touch my pain.

Does it hurt?

Its fucking killing me.

My body is dead, my heart is cold.

With my last ounce of strength, I whisper....

I’ve become apathetic to life but most importantly you.

Before I kill myself im going to kill you too.

You made me bleed, you made me cry.

I never had the strength to say goodbye.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW YOU MEAN NOTHING TO ME.

YOU ARE THE EQUIVALENCE OF MY VIEW ON LIFE.

I hope you feel my pain, now that you know what I feel like from inside.

I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND THAT BECAUSE OF YOU EVERYTHING ABOUT ME HAS DIED.

Its time for you to go

I can't look at you anymore

I think you understand how I feel now...

Don’t be afraid to die, ill show you how.

2009-11-11T01:44:00.001-08:00

Once upon a time, there was this foolish traveller, who'd gone on a journey, why was he foolish, well because he was fooled by everyone he met. “Please some money for medicine” said an old lady, and he gave money to her. Everywhere he went people made up all kinds of sad stories to tell him, and the traveller fell for every one of them, “I have a sick younger sister” a little girl said to him, “I don’t have money to buy seeds to plant in my fields” a man said to him, and he gave to them each something of his. Pretty soon his money, his clothes, even his shoes had been cheated away from him, but the foolish traveller was always glad to help, and he always told people the same thing, he said, “I wish you happiness”. But by this point though, the traveller was completely naked, and with nothing left to cover himself, he decided to leave the main road and travel through the dense forest, where no one could see him. But soon he was discovered by the goblins that lived in the woods. The goblins wanted to eat the traveller’s body, so they begged, and they pleaded, and they used kind words to try and trick him, of course, the traveller was fooled, first he let the goblins eat one of his legs, then an arm, then more and more, before it was over, all the traveller had left was his head. He’d even given his eyes away to the last of the goblins, and as that last goblin was eating the traveller’s eyes, he turned and said “Thank you traveller, in return I leave you this present”, what the goblin left was a slip of paper with the word "fool" written on it. The traveller couldn’t see it, he didn’t know what it was, even so, tears began to float of his face. “Thank you” he said, “This is the first present anyone’s ever given me, I’m so happy, I’m so happy thankyou”. Even without his eyes, he cried and he cried great tears of joy. Then the traveller died… the smile is still on his face.

…I feel so sorry for him, see… lost, hardship, things like that, you can’t really focus on them. The traveller didn’t, he never thought about his own troubles at all, I imagine that it probably does sound foolish to some people, but not to me. I don’t think he’s foolish at all, even though other people would probably think he was being tricked, I don’t think he was, I think he did exactly what he wanted to do… I think more than anything he just wanted to make other people happy.

2009-11-10T22:52:00.001-08:00

Once there was a man who had an orange shirt.

Once there was a girl who went out dancing in a skirt.

Once there was a park they found they fed the frantic ducks.

Once there was a couple, happy, who couldn't believe their luck.

Once they went out dancing, and a candled dinner date.

Once early in the morning she surrendered to her fate.

Once he said "I love you" and she had to love him too.

Once they had a future, happy when one and one made two.

Now they are both lonely, now they live alone.

Now he has a cold and empty (tidy) hollow home.

Now she has a fountain, tears where once there was a heart.

Now he has decided that they really have to part.

Now that he has nothing, he feels he is complete.

Now that she can't dance again, her heart weighs down her feet.

Now he thinks about her, all the memories locked away.

Now he tries so hard to forget the happy laughing days.

Is she thinking of him still? Does she cry still, now and then?

Is she ever going to win back the man she loves again?

Is he glad it's over? Can he get on with his life?

Is he really so very certain she would have made a useless wife?

Given all the laughter, fun and sunny times they had.

Given all the heartache, lies and times he made her mad.

Given all the tears now, the loneliness and pain.

Given all the risks, would she do it all again?

Can he really say that he won't want her back one day?

Can he really like his life now better in this way?

Can he forget her face, the mess, the giggles and the love?

Can he find someone else to love him more than she could love?

If she really loved him, he said she'd let him go.

If he understood her feelings then he would know that it's not so.

If he were less stubborn, if she could care much less.

If they had never spoken there wouldn't be this sorry mess.

But time has taken prisoners, their lives are now entwined.

But even if they never meet again, the past is not left behind.

But can she start all over? Just forget him and move on?

But even if she can, will he be glad with what he's won?

Is that really what he wants, to never see her smiling face again?

Will it make him happy, will he live on without pain?

Will he be thinking of her, is he too proud to cry?

Will it wrench his heart in two if he sees her kiss another guy?

And can she forgive his faults, and accept him as he is.

She wants to have him back and say there's nothing to forgive.

He's told her that she's crazy, that he may never want her back.

She's told him that she loves him and though its a risk, she'll live with that.

She wants him to live with patience, to give him time to heal.

The past is not yet over and it's left a scar so real.

We don't choose who we can love, and love doesn't really die.

You can find it in your heart again, I love you, so please try.

2009-11-05T20:15:00.000-08:00

You forgive me for liking you too much,

And I'll forgive you for not liking me enough.

You forgive me for missing you so,

And I'll forgive you for being so cold.

You forgive me for the loud racing of my heart,

And I'll forgive you for not hearing it.

You forgive me for playing your games,

And I'll forgive you for toying with my emotions.

You forgive me for finding you so attractive,

And I'll forgive you for not noticing.

You forgive me for raising you up so high,

And I'll forgive you for bringing me down so low.

You forgive me for wanting to be with you,

And I'll forgive you for avoiding me.

You forgive me for being so pathetic,

And I'll forgive you for taking advantage of it.

You forgive me for not being able to let go,

And I'll forgive you for never having latched on.

You forgive me for having hopes and dreams,

And I'll forgive you for crushing them.

Forgiveness brings inner peace.

Do we have a deal?

2009-11-05T20:03:00.000-08:00

You would think by now, I would know my way around,

I shouldn't miss you so badly, I should be on familiar ground.

How many more lonely years, must meander by,

until I learn the lesson, it does no good to cry.

What manner of iron will, must some people possess,

to be always looking forward, to never accept regress.

Perhaps if I was willing, to let someone take me by the hand,

they could show me a happy place, in this unfamiliar land.

Perhaps I'm only homesick, for all the joys that once were mine,

I must accept that they and you, belong to another place and time.

But I know that deep within my heart, there's a place where only you reside,

and when the pain of loneliness comes, it knows that is where I hide.

So if sometimes it seems to you, I'm clinging to the past,

it's mostly because I can't yet accept, that our love didn't last.

No matter how hard I try, I've yet to get over you,

for the part of me that's still alive, believes you love me too.

Maybe there will come a day, when that part will finally die,

and feeling strong with a heart reborn, a new love I will finally try.

And what a splendid day that will be, when I awaken to discover,

I'm happily learning a great new land, with a great new friend and lover.

2009-10-30T01:35:00.000-07:00

How often we must bear the challenges of life;

The endless roller coaster between happiness and sorrow;

The constant ups and downs of daily strife.

And always the question remains .... why?

Life is not an easy road for most;

It twists and turns with many forks in the road,

Although always, and inevitably, we are given a choice ...

Do we turn to the right ... or the left?

Do we take the high road ... or the low road?

Do we take the easy path ... or the difficult one?

Decisions are not easy for those struggling for direction ...

And sometimes the many choices and signs become overwhelming.

While standing at a crossroads in life,

The urge is to take the most comfortable path;

The road with least resistance ...

The shortest or most traveled route.

And yet, if we've been down that comfortable road before;

Have gleaned its lessons in life, and learned from our experiences;

Do we yet again follow the known?

Or does our destiny lie in another direction?

The fear of the road less traveled is tangible and all too real;

It manifests itself in many ways,

And tends to cloud the issues that might otherwise be clear.

It is in these times of confusion,

That we must seek peace and solitude;

Time to contemplate on our life,

Our experiences and our choices past;

Time to look back, and reflect on what we have learned

Without fear or confusion.

For only each of us knows our own personal thoughts;

Our unique past and personal history;

The experiences that brought us to the crossroads we now face.

We can always learn a small degree from others experiences,

And yet ... no one person can walk in our shoes,

Others know not, the trials and tribulations faced in private ...

For each is individual ... unique ... and personal.

And that is why ... while standing at a crossroads,

Only "we" can formulate the decision for ourselves;

The true direction that lies within;

The choices we must deliberate on with clarity and wisdom.

For it is only through personal reflection,

That we can now choose our destiny;

... Our next adventure;

... And the future we will embrace.

2009-10-29T03:12:00.000-07:00

So often people say they found their lover in their friend.

I just have to wonder if they've found a means to fit their end.

I thought I knew you for so long, but now I've come to see

That Mika is a stranger, and you don't remember me.

For the first time in my life I wanted someone I could keep-

To treasure me both heart and soul, to hold me in my sleep.

When I saw you I was overjoyed, my search at last concluded,

Who knew that I would come to find that I was just deluded?

Because as we grew together something still kept us apart,

I have your body and your mind, but I'll never have your heart.

And I still wish that we could have that true love and forever,

But reality stole my happy ending, leaving me with never.

And if you asked, what would I say?

Would I dare to throw it all away?

Would yes be right? Or is it no?

But we never ask, so on we go.

And still I know that in the end,

You're not my lover but my friend.

This is the truth that I despise

When I suddenly realize:

We're not in love.

2009-10-29T03:01:00.001-07:00

I came to you the hour I was in pain

Looking for answers, I cried to you in vain.

I shared the many skeletons hiding in my heart,

I knew then you'd be my friend,

I knew it from the start.

Troubles ran like rivers, flowing through my life,

You picked the pieces up and help me through my strife.

When home wasn't home to me no more,

You opened up your heart, and opened up the door.

We cried into night until the early morn.

We solaced each other's pain and shared our many thorns.

As time flew, the air grew thick,

I saw our friendship fading, and my heart grew sick.

The day had arrived,

When it was time to say goodbye.

Now I sit alone,

reminiscing the past I'd blown.

2009-10-28T04:05:00.000-07:00

My soul is the piano, her words are the keys.

Together we compose, the best of symphonies.

How my soul replays her words of the day.

Like a composer writing a play.

I hear the music, as she strikes a key.

an orchestra, is what I see.

Two soul that share a common ground.

a friendship they have found.

What is a piano, without the player.

It's like a soul, without a desire.

It sits alone in the dark,

waiting for someone to light a spark.

A hope or a desire,

waiting for someone to inspire.

To play a song of the heart,

a song of two souls that will never depart

2009-10-27T04:39:00.001-07:00

who would forgive me for all that I've done?

you say it was sin, but I say it was fun.

you are the people so much "better" than me.

but I am the light that someday you'll see.

all that you are is less than I am,

for what you'll try not to change I know that I can.

always you try to live by rule and by law,

so caught up in perfection you trip and you fall.

I have the strength to remain steady and fast,

because I live each moment as though its my last.

you take too much pride in winning that you weep at defeat,

when you fall I remain at my feet.

you think you'll go far with your hopes and your dreams,

and forget that tomorrow may not be what it seems.

you say I'm so wrong and you are so right,

you wun blindly to love and away from a fight.

but love is a deception; a trick for the weak,

a game and a joke that words cannot speak.

so chase after that rainbow and get lost in your hope,

and I'll be here in reality where you could not cope.

you'll never forgive me for all I have done,

because what you say is sin I know is just fun

2009-10-26T22:36:00.000-07:00

The hate I feel inside,

Is ready to come out,

But I must not let it,

I hate how people think they know me,

I hate how people think they understand me,

I hate how they lie to me,

I hate how I have to hide my tears,

I hate how I keep everything inside,

I hate how I lie to everyone,

I hate how nobody knows me,

I hate how I have to keep my life a secret,

I hate how I can't trust anyone,

I hate how this world goes around,

And each day people are suffering,

I hate how I feel,

I hate how there are people starving,

I hate who I am,

I hate how I am,

I hate how my life is a fake,

I hate how I am a fake,

A liar,

I hate how I'm sitting here now,

And writing all this,

For others to see,

Yet the people I know will never know who I am,

Because they would not understand,

I hate how they say they will,

When we all know they wouldn't,

I am burning with hate,

Hate that I know will not go away,

Not even as I write,

This hate beyond anything I have ever felt,

Hate that I must hide,

For they would not understand why I have so much hate inside,

And that I feel like screaming,

Until I can get all out,

The tears that I hide,

Also come from the hate that I feel,

And this hate that is aching to come out,

To show its ugly face,

Upon this world,

And I cannot let that happen,

But as each day goes by my hate grows more and more each day,

The hate I feel inside,

Is ready to come out,

But I must not let it,

Not yet

2009-10-26T04:46:00.000-07:00

how can i sleep tonight?
how
how can i when i no i am going to wake up the same way tomorrow?
i fear tomorrow...
i no im going to wake up to this life of mine in which i wished was just an illusion just a dream
all day i go
without a simple hello
which would simply make my day
just to see and hear someone say
i care, ill be there
maybe just maybe someone who loved me?
is that to much to ask?
if it is im sorry its not like i ever asked for anything else
the loneliness kills me
all day i go
and no one ever knows
im crying on the inside
I CANT EVEN PRETEND ANYMORE!
I CANT FUCKIN FAKE A SMILE
I CANT FUCKING FAKE IM OK...
people lie to me
people cheat me
....when all i want is for them to be a friend
IM SORRY I DONT NO WHAT I DID BUT I APOLOGIZE
...for everything ive done
everything i havent done
...everything i have yet to do
i am terrified i dont know wat to do with wat im feeling
who can i talk to if i have no one?
i only no to hurt myself.
i only no to cut and carve wat i feel...
all my pain
all my depression
all my agression into me
my legs, my wrists, my arms..
oh god why me...
just kill me
oh god why me...
JUST FUCKING TAKE AWAY MY LIFE OF MISERY
wat person derserves to live like this....
im not a person im worthless shit...
im just a waste, i dont want to continue to live
if i'll never be something or someone
my fear of tomorrow has overtaken and won.

2009-10-25T04:29:00.000-07:00

cant stand the sight of you

im supposed to love you

but i dont

im supposed to respect you

but i dont

i hate you more then you could ever believe

my loath for you runs through out my veins

it runs through out my blood

it runs through out my body

im supposed to care about your well being

i couldnt care less

your a waste of my time and energy

you lied so many times

and still i forgave

again, time after time again, i gave you another chance to be apart of my life

i realized your not needed

your not fuckin wanted

your not fuckin loved

i saw you walking down the street today

i couldnt even fuckin pick my head up too look at you

i wanted to

i wanted to say all these things to you

but i didnt, i held back my tears instead

i could fucking watch you die right now

and not care at all

id smile, while inside im laughing with joy, overwhelmed with happiness

you could be in pain, suffering bleeding to death

and id turn the other way.

i fuckin despise you more then anything

how does that feel?

fuckin tell me how does that feel knowing your the thing i hate the most

i opened my arms to you

i opened my heart

i tried to let you in

you stabbed me in the back

because of you i am the way that i am

i hate everyone

ive learned not to trust

ive learned no one is ever worthy of a second chance

its a pity of the person youve become.

you look like shit now, your turning into nothing

no, youve always been nothing

AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE NOTHING

im fuckin stupid for letting you cause me all this pain for so long

im fuckin stupid for letting you bring me down

how does it feel, to be so fucking hated by everyone?

i hope it feels good, because my hate towards you will never be brought down

i will hate you till the day i die

this i promise you....

2009-10-25T04:08:00.001-07:00

We all start over,

this time with a new game

one that isn't made

the way you would think,

a game of wits

not of lust,

a game you can't win,

one I will never lose

not to one I almost hate,

this game will never be done

as long as your words

still echo in my head,

but know this is only a game,

revenge would kill

not just leave you wounded,

while I laugh you cry

wondering what has happened

to the sweet boy

you once knew,

he died for the last time

never to be resurrected again

all because of your games

and your lies,

hate what you see

and know it is what you made,

a game that you can't win

a boy that will laugh at your pain,

your old salvation

now shall be your damnation

2009-10-25T04:03:00.001-07:00

Love isn't real

It's all just a gag

It is the world's cruelness

Of showing us something we can't have

No matter how much you think it's there

It isn't real

Because it only takes a split second

Before its a done deal

There is no way to win

You'll lose, you're fucked

Might as well not try

Might as well give up

It's not worth the time

No matter how good it seems

It's just your mind playing tricks

It's all just a dream

2009-10-25T03:44:00.000-07:00

I HATE being patient, but I’ve got more of it than anyone else I know

I HATE having to put my self aside for something else,

but I care enough to do it

I find myself filled with a lot of that lately... this… Hate…

It sounds so weird to say it out loud… Hate…. It doesn’t have a nice feeling.

I HATE

It’s just not me.

It’s not how I want to be.

It doesn’t sound right coming out of my mouth.

It doesn’t sound right swirling through my head

why is it that I find myself constantly forcing that word out of my head.

I hate that…

there it is again,

lately It creeps up on me.

I know what causes it. I’m tired.

I’m tired of being patient and putting myself second

second for you

I hate you

I don’t hate you.

I hate the power you seem to have over me

I hate that I can’t hate you.

I feel helpless,

The words echo through my head. They echo through the room.

The room

This room.

I hate this room.

The room you so kindly took the time to build for me.

the room in my head.

once my sanctuary. now my enemy.

I hate this room.

I’m forced to sit in this damp windowless room.

there is no way out. Not yet anyways.

I have to wait.

wait And be patient.

wait…

for you.

2009-10-25T03:41:00.001-07:00

come and seek me,

in the darkness I will wait,

indestructible,

with no memories to care,

with no purpose so gentle,

to care

only one mission,

destroy all,

but one...

me..

I am a killing beast,

missions of war are my priority,

to kill everyone,

but me,

crimson curtains and walls.

all are quiet,

resting.

not a sound..

only my breath,

Heartless,

nothing more,

but Heartless..

this is a tragic story of one so cold,

and lone.

How can someone be so Heartless?

2009-10-25T03:36:00.001-07:00

In desperation I search, trying to find myself I look.

I search and search, for my heart is lost I search.

Too scared to run too scared to move.

Paralyzed by pain and fear I search.

I fight to live as I stager at the pain.

I sit beside me staring at what I see.

I shake my head at what I made me.

I fight to not listen at the pain I created.

The pain I will always see.

As I twitch in emptiness my eyes begin to see.

The more they find the more it hurts.

They look at me as a piece of meat.

Trembling legs, week arms, and scars from defeat.

I fight my self because of what I see.

It's me I'm looking at and me that won’t succeed.

I stare and look, searching for answers, for that I concede.

I shred my self and my sole with my eyes.

They are too strong for me for that I am paralyzed.

I see my hands as the grasper of pain.

They are the retriever of all I have received from me.

As my hands fight back I see.

I am only what I want to be, and I still have a chance to defeat me.

2009-10-25T02:35:00.000-07:00

I want to cry

I want to scream

I want to tell you mostly

I hate that I'm so afraid of everything

I hate that you’re the one thing I want the most but can't have

I hate that you let me go before I got even got to say goodbye

I wish that you would come back to me

I wish I were strong enough to say no to you

I wish I could believe my own lies I use to cover up the pain you left

I need to move on says my head

I need to hold on says my heart

I need to decide says my mind

I envy the way this hasn’t hurt you at all

I envy her

I envy the fact you don’t understand what this feels like at all

I want to hurt you

I want to be with you

I want this nightmare to be over

I wish I could make things they were before you

I wish I could change time

I wish I could change you

I wish I could have hurt you before you hurt me

I wish I would have given you the letter when I wanted

I need you out of my thoughts

I need you out of my heart

I need to start doing things for me

I hate that you used me

I hate that I gave you something I can never have back

I hate that I wasted it with you

I'm tired of hoping aimlessly for you

I'm tired of wanting something I can't have

I'm tired of hurting me for things that aren’t my fault

I'm sorry I was good enough

I'm sorry I defended you when everyone else was right

I'm sorry I couldn’t make you happy

Funny though how you never once said sorry for hurting me,

for breaking me,

for not loving me

2009-10-22T05:41:00.001-07:00

my friend once told me something...didn't think it was true when i first heard it..but after going through the process yeh it's true....he said "life changes love changes...n sometimes your closest friends become strangers" true said true said....

lets say YOU have a friend (whether you were a guy or a girl)

a really REALLY close one....

you have loads of fun together go out do things etc...

you believe in that friend n that friend believes in you...

you'd do anything to that person...n that person'd do anything for you..or at least thats what is obvious

sometimes little problems are just the trigger to a huge fight...n then fall out...

What if that close friend of urs did something bad to you (but thats only what you think)

and that friend didn't actually do it..but you still Act in a way that is #$#$(#$ way...

how about you try to put your self in their shoes???

and a really good friend came to you and said " no i didn't do it!!!

and you say you believed them...

YET hold a grudge against them....

YET you talk behind their backs

YET YET YET.....too many to be mentioned here...

do you expect them to do???

put ur self back into your own shoes....

what would you do???

after the Apologize you've presented...

after the talks u've done to prove that it wasn't you...

what would you do...

Now take a look from another angle....

assume your not one of these 2 good friends n are just watching it from distance...

what would you say???

what would you think??

i personally think it pushes you into not believing that true friendships do exist...

i personally think that if thats true then friendship is just a word we've created in order to make life easier

and in order to make it a better place to live...

although there are a few that are enjoying the bless of friendship

the majority aren't

in my opinion..

never knock on a door that was slammed on your face...

never Present apologies when you know it wasn't you...

Never feel sorry for ending up that phase...

Never Ask your self oh god what did i Do...

Never Ask Why a friend has gone..

Never Feel like you've lost someone if you didn't do it...

one day you'll find a friend who perfectly fit...

who's gone is gone..

who's walked away has disappeared

isn't that what you feared??

if you called their name & got no response...

don't feel sad...it's not because You are bad...

it's because of what you've never had...

a True friend...because true friends never walk away..

friendship isn't a play..

a "friend" isn't just a word to say...

it's way more than that...

If you followed your friend...and your friend continued walking...

don't you beat your self down and feel like chocking

you done your part...now u've fallen apart..

Love Does change so does life...but friends once they're made...they should be there for eternity...

Too bad we've awaken from our dream..where colors are alive...

where love isn't myth

where friendships do exist...

where a tear never drops..

where a broken heart isn't drawn...

where you and your friend haven't fallen apart..

2009-10-22T05:11:00.000-07:00

You took my hand,
pulled me back up to stand.
But then you laughed with all of them.
I tried to see,
passed it off as pity.
But then you smiled and winked at me.
All confusing, mind left musing
and then I wonder why I care.
Strange this feeling, I try concealing
as you pass by me unaware.
Another game,
another day of shame.
Yet still this feeling can't be tamed.
When you walk by,
you wink and smile so sly.
And deep inside I want to die.
Anger burning, this foolish yearning
I swear to god I won't give in.
Past still hurting, I'm slow but learning
that if I do you'll truly win.
More fists of pain,
my blood a common stain.
It feels so good out in this rain.
A gentle touch,
this voice I hate so much.
Strange that your face could look so crushed.
You say sorry, I reply leave me,
you stare confused and ask me why.
I explain simply, and unforgiving,
until your brown eyes start to cry.
You pull me up,
into a tender hug.
And say your sorry for so much.
I couldn't show,
how you made my heart glow,
just hugged you back and said I know.

2009-10-22T04:40:00.000-07:00

What do you do

When you're dancing on the border?

How do you live,

With complete disorder?

If you know the truth,

That with every day's light,

Sanity will bleed out,

It's an ongoing fight,

Laugh and be normal,

Cry or breakdown,

It's a game of survival,

So just try not to drown,

While hearts will bleed,

Minds only shatter,

People are glass,

This sanity mere tatters,

Presume to know,

Some cool guy's life,

No cuts, has it easy,

Can't possibly know strife,

That guy has cuts,

You will never see,

A broken heart, fractured mind,

Shut up and let him be,

When all you can see,

Is the physical perfection,

Don't ever doubt,

The mind may have infection,

If every day is a battle,

Fought against the mind,

How do you stand,

When all help is blind?

Whispers in hallways,

Does no one see?

There's sadness in his eyes,

he has pain just like you and me,

he won't play for sympathy,

Or write a goodbye note,

Who can reach out,

When the mind has lost hope?

He won't pick up a knife,

Pills are not the kind,

Doesn't need a bridge,

It's suicide of the mind,

Would have stopped,

Had someone cared to smile,

Was everyone too busy?

Is he not worthwhile?

Disease of the body,

Sickness of the heart,

This mind wasn't fragile,

Always and from the start,

Whispered words,

Mocking looks and cold sneers,

Doesn't anyone know,

Can't anyone hear?

He has a heart too,

Just because he won't complain,

Don't ever assume,

Words can't cause pain,

Hate and disinterest,

Have finally pushed him,

Is there anyone who cares?

He's on the border.

2009-10-18T00:17:00.001-07:00

I had the best thing

Anyone could ever ask for

I lost it in time

Pierced me to the core

My love for you so great

I was blinded

As if i forgot my heart could break

I once knew a love so beautiful

My heart could not believe

But it fell for a thief

Stolen from my chest

I can no longer breathe

All i once knew

Ripped from my life

Laughing evilly

At my bitter hate

No longer shall I fall

For i am strong

And what i once knew

Was all so wrong

2009-10-18T00:12:00.000-07:00

There's an empty hole in my once strong heart

If I don't get you back I'm sure it'll break apart

What's wrong with me? I thought I was getting over you?

Now I don't know what's for the best like I used to do

When we laid there and promised we'd never stop loving each other I meant it

You've really captured my vulnerable heart, every single bit

In the end promises are made to be broken

I feel so pathetic and sad now that I know there are no words ever to be spoken

Whenever I look in the sky and see a dove soaring high

I'll always remember you and maybe cry

I can't wait to hate you

But for now, I guess I'll have to carry on feeling blue

2009-10-18T00:04:00.001-07:00

To search for the person you once were,

Would be a journey into myself

A journey that would cause more pain,

in the end.

To accept the person you are now,

Is to finally notice the changes in my soul

A lot of changes that I never would wish,

upon any being.

To forget what we once has,

Could only bring war upon ourselves,

A war that no one would come out of;

alive.

2009-10-10T00:50:00.001-07:00

I'm just a fadeing memory

left to rot and dissaper.

I really needed you but you left.

I don't Cry

but I bury it inside

It hurts.

I'm just a distant memory

waiting to be Forgotten

You never needed me

But I always needed you

It's sad isn't it?

It hurt's.

I'm just floating down the street

Waiting for someone to help me

But you don't care, do you?

It's so Painful.

But it doesn't matter that

It hurts.Ok?

It just hurts.

Just LEAVE ME ALONE!

I just don't want to get hurt.

2009-10-10T00:37:00.000-07:00

Who can I believe? When everyone is telling lies?
Who can I trust? When nobody seems real.
Who can I love? Without my heart being broken?
Where can I go when I'm not needed?
When will my questions be answered with true words and not from those of a liar?
Or will they forever be forgotten? Brushed off like no big deal.
Like my feelings of hurt and pain?
Can I ever truly be healed?
Or am I forever cursed with this aching heart?

2009-10-10T00:30:00.000-07:00

Standing alone in the middle of the street

Hoping you were here so we could meet
Once again but without the lies
Tonight right here a part of us dies
Every day we shall stand
Together right here holding hands
But one day you decided not to show
I turn and look at you but you do not glow
The same radiant way I first meet you
You have lied to me so I guess we’re though
Because your love was a giant lie
so you can just shut up, apologize and
Die.

2009-10-05T03:23:00.000-07:00

Deep within this flesh and bones …

A raging monster screams…

The pain has colored all my dreams…

My heart is full of bitter tears…

I need the end ..I need an eternal sleep …

I really need this ease…

For no more pain that I've held for years…

Numbing me from the inside …

My heart no longer beats…

This raging monster yearns for an end…

This monster screams to be set free…

Screaming "no more life for me "

Please god set my tortured soul free…

From my bitter destiny I do flee…

For I am condemned with a spell..

To never feel alive…I am dead from the inside…

So why to live ? while it's an unbearable torment …

Why we must be Slaughtered by this cursed life …

It seems my mind is a prison …

That I can't break free….

I am the leading role of this tragedy …

I am the king of agony…

here is nothing but pain…

simply nothing more to gain …

we are all going insane …

Farewell now as we enter our darkness...

Leaving behind all this emptiness…

We are falling ..

Falling …

Falling…

Deep to this ocean of sorrow …

So beautiful...

We are falling ..

The sky is smiling...

smiling!

Finally ,salvation has come

But pain still grows...

And the sun has gone …

My life... it cries to be free,

And the burning sky that I once was falling from ..

still, suffering with ME ..!

2009-10-05T01:53:00.000-07:00

Staring up at the ceiling
Thinking about how you hurt my feelings
No regrets
I don't forget
Revenge going through my mind
I don't have time to be kind
Cause I feel like coloring outside the lines
I've hidden my inhibitions
Cause right now I'm in a bad condition
So just listen
There was a rumor that you said
My love is so expose...
Though I know that you're so inept
The heart you broke I forever kept
And even though you cracked our love stone
My love to you I've always shown
But now I can't take it anymore
The love has drifted beyond the shore
The lack of innuendo that you insinuate
Which I believe is hate
That broke through the tide
All because you lied
I fell on my knees and cried
This situation stays undefined
Can't hide behind a hyperbole
Cause I know, you're the heart of my soul
Making me whole...
Once again
Looking over the window sill
My heart, it's taking too long to heal
Heart breaking
Heart aching
This time I'm not faking
I thought we were alright
I thought our love was tight
But that's way out of sight
And now my words are like kryptonite
Yea, I feel tainted
This subtle picture, I painted
Thought the meaning is vague, its still vivid
It was sold
My soul got run of the road
There was no warmth, I grew cold and froze
But then the silhouette of my facade appeared
Now I am greatly feared
Don't need no one to validate me
Because now I'm free
Endowed with power, which made me rigorous
Inhabitant with a demon, that made me sour and vigorous
But all that disappeared when I regained a steady status
And no more was I useless
Dreams come
Dreams go
But my dreams are getting a little bigger
My wings growing wider
I'll fight
I'll reach the heights
Drop me in the middle
So upon the world I can make a ripple
Let the sun illuminate my panorama
Let me start some drama
Let the love effect the karma
Don't let hate get in the way
Make love forever stay
Bittersweet love
Falling from the clouds above
Its rain washing away my pain
You don't understand
Then let me give you a cue
I don't love you
But then again I do
This is just a quick insinuation
A personal declaration
Fly away little white dove
This is no place for you
When there's bittersweet love

2009-10-01T12:13:00.000-07:00

Trying to put the hurt behind.
Trying so hard to clear my mind.
Putting on a smile, trying to make it real.
Working to evaporate the pain I feel.
I've been hurting people I care for.
I've been trying to search for something more.
I'm a murderer killing friendships one by one.
But I'm dropping the knife, I'm done.
hope you understand how much I need you here.
I really need you to help battle the fear.
How can I be sure that you won't leave?
Will you break the heart that I wear on my sleeve?
I'm handing it to you against my will.
The thought of trust gives me a chill.
I'm afraid of falling, but I know you'll catch me.
I'm sorry for all the pain I made you see.
Once again, I never mean to cause you pain.
I just wandered off my path and went insane.
I'm crawling my way back to common ground.
Secretly wishing there was a way you could be around.
Can you break through the walls I built so high?
Can you give me a million and one reasons why?
Don't follow behind me, walk beside.
Hold my hand, and at the end of each day know how hard I tried.
All for you, and not really me.
Because only you accept the hurt I see..

2009-09-30T23:38:00.000-07:00

So tell me it’ll be alright.
Tell me I’ll make it through the night.
Tell me I can live my life.
Without any pain or any strife.
Tell me things can only get better from here.
Tell me I’ll never have to shed another tear.
Your words are empty as they fall on my ear.
But your empty words are all I want to hear.
At the end of the day.
When nothing has gone my way.
When I try to be strong.
While everything is wrong.
When I sit and cry.
Just tell me a little white lie.
Tell me everything will be fine.
Tell me it’ll all be okay.
As my nerves begin to fray.
When I feel all alone.
And I’m trapped in this cone.
This cone of self-hatred and self-harm.
Try to sway me with your charm.
Your words might be empty, but they are what I want to hear.
I need someone behind me who will give me a little cheer.
Just whisper sweet nothings into my ear.
Because your empty words are all I want to hear

2009-09-30T23:26:00.000-07:00

You sit in your pitch dark room

With tears streaking down your face
You want to end your life
And wipe out all the disgrace
But I don’t let you do that
And you flare up at me
Telling me I don’t understand
Telling me that I don’t see
I urge you to speak about it
But you tell me hard to think
Whether I’d really like to know
How it feels to be on the brink?

YOU:

"Do you really aspire to feel
The agony that rips my insides?
Do you really want to sit and count
All the silent tears I’ve cried?
You just cannot imagine how it feels
To lose your friends every singe day
Its unbearable and excruciating
And it doesn’t let you run away
I’ve seen drugs, I’ve seen bloodshed
And you tell me to retain my faith
You sit there oblivious to the pain I feel
Or the nightmares that haunt like a wraith
You won’t be able to bear
You won’t be able to stand
All the grief that plagues my heart
All the cuts that lace my hand…."

ME:

"Yes…I won’t be able to see
I won’t be able to realize
That you have hurt so much that
Death would be your greatest prize
But it doesn’t mean that I am free
It doesn’t mean that I don’t care
Everyone has their own problems
And even I have got my share
Yes, I can’t see things your way
Or even feel the way you do
But at the same time, dear Tinkerbell
Even you can’t step in my shoe
You see, you’re hurting a lot
And you feel your pain is unknown
It’s true, I won’t deny it
But at least you’re not alone!
And please remember that when you suffer
And when your life seems no less than a curse
Things are already very bad enough
They can’t possibly ever get worse…
So, please don’t think of giving up
You have to try, you have to strive
For your friends, for your family and for me

YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON WITH LIFE…"

2009-09-30T22:10:00.000-07:00

Telling you all these things I know I feel.
But I can't bring out the emotion to make it real.
Can bearly cry, all I can do is smile.
I've been so lost for quite a while.
I find it all funny, but It really hurts to laugh.
Where's my broken other half?
I miss her, she gave me a reason to cry.
She gave me the emotion to show I wanted to die.
Now it's just there, but none of is seems true.
Yet, I'm still reaching out and screaming to you.
I've been seeing myself when I look in the mirror.
But I miss the broken girl, I miss her.
She never left, but her emotion went away.
She's trying to break free in every word I say.
Can you help bring her back, so I can fight?
She gives me a reason to believe it will be alright.
When I'm in her shoes, I see things dark.
But something happens that leaves its mark.
I learn from her, she teaches me how to survive.
The broken part of me is the reason I'm alive.
Does this make sense to anybody but me?
I'm looking around, but I don't see.
It's like my mind's been shut down, and I'm a robot.
Like common sense is something I forgot.
People love this, I'm cracking joke after joke.
Do people not see that a part of me broke?
I don't want them to worry, they do that enough.
But going through this alone is kind of rough.
I broke down to a really good friend 24 hours ago.
So far, she's the only one that knows.
She knows I wandered off this path, not wanting to be found.
She knows I'm crying out, but can't make a sound.
She knows I'm afraid, but only I can help myself.
Still, I'm tempted to go back to her for help.
But there's nothing to feel this way about.
I'd love to just stand on a rooftop and shout.
But what would I scream for if everything's fine?
I'm reading this hurt in disbelief that it's mine.
I think I should end this and just let it end.
I'm trying to find you, my broken heart.
I'll be there soon, just need to get over all of this.
Tinkerbell, why is it you I miss?

2009-09-30T21:56:00.000-07:00

Life is a monster, created to kill.
It swallows my happiness until its had its fill.
It leaves me a shell of dark and despair.
Love could save me, but it seems to be nowhere.
Always running with nowhere to hide.
Am I the only one who's breaking inside?
I just want someone to take my hand,
Kiss my lips and truly understand.
I can't listen to songs about happiness and love,
Storybook endings and help from above.
None of that stuff ever happens to me.
I just sit and cry silently, not letting them see.
Just knock donw my barriers and take me in your arms.
Protect me from the world and the knife that harms.
All I want is someone who will grab my wrist,
Tear the razor from my hands and caress my fists.
Not lock me up or pretend to understand.
Is it too much to ask?! I just need a hand!
Tie me to this earth and never let me leave.
Save my soul and make me believe.
Too late, I'm done, I'm saying goodbye.
Well, you can't say that I didn't try...

2009-09-30T21:35:00.001-07:00

It stalks the night

It stalks the day

It seeks out life

And whisks it away

It's known as death

And other things too

But it's all the same

What matters is you.

How do you see it?

What does it mean?

It's best if you know

For death is unseen.

It can take you at day

It can take you at night

Knowing death well

Can lend you some light

The passage to death

Is always unclear

And it's best to know

That you're very near.

For death is at hand

It is for us all

Know it's face well

So you don't stumble and fall

Now think hard on death

And know that it's near

And the meaning of life

Will be all to clear

And that is to live

For your hearts desire

Not to stumble or fall

But to burn with a fire.

A fire for life

To live for each day

To reach for your dreams

No matter what people say

Life is a question

And death holds a clue

Reach not for the answer

For your life's not due

Live for the moment

And die for it too

For it's the moment that counts

It, and you

Now I'm all done

I've said what I'll say

Just remember one thing

Live for the day!

2009-09-24T00:11:00.000-07:00

after so long i'm blogging.... sorry for the hitus..... it's has been a rough patch for me and raya didn't went well for me sighss.. well hopefully it will be better than yesterday.. hopefully will be fine tomorrow....

2009-09-15T18:46:00.000-07:00

Someday, my memories of her will fade. Her voice, her actions I might forget them as well. But even then, I will always remember that I loved her.

It feels so close to me, yet I can't reach it even if I hold out my hands. But even if I can't reach it, there are things that will stay in my heart. Being in the same time and looking at the same sky if I can remember that, then even if we are far apart, I believe we can still be together.......

2009-09-15T18:42:00.000-07:00

Happy encounters and bittersweet memories, if there is nothing meaningful in the meeting itself and it's all about having met you, then what would be the true meaning of actually meeting you and the significance of wanting to meet you again?

2009-09-15T18:38:00.000-07:00

If things were to change, do you think you could ever fall in love with me? Or fulfill a dream for which I long? The world is about to change. That's why I'm here now. I've come and this will mean a new beginning for my life.... I knew I didn't carry enough faith in myself. I am to blame. I was afraid that even if there had been no Love, we would someday go our separate ways, but I have to put that behind me now and live in the present believing in the future.

2009-09-13T19:17:00.001-07:00

Its been a year since i last touched my small blade, but once again my hands itch to hold it, my skin yearns to feel it, & my blood wishes to be set free...

2009-09-13T19:14:00.001-07:00

Tear me down, kick me around, watch me bleed all over the pretty white floor. But just remember you can never break whats not yours Tinkerbell...

2009-09-13T19:07:00.001-07:00

Your hurting me with your eyes...
Blinding me with your lies...
Without you here I feel pain...
But with you near I'm insane...
So it is written. So it shall come to pass....

2009-09-13T19:00:00.001-07:00

I've learned
that just because someone doesn't love you the
way you want them to doesn't mean they
don't love you with all they have.

2009-09-05T16:22:00.000-07:00

It's me. it's me. it's the same old brand new me... Mohd Mikaa'eel aka Neroangelo, why am i writing this shit is way beyond me... perhaps to let off some steam.. for those who have eyes to see and ears to listen.. Tinkerbell remember what you had to said to me... well i have 6 words for you.... what about me? what about Mika? you ran your mouth about all the things we did and blah blah blah.... well Tinkerbell all i got to say to that is Noone gonna mold me, hell Noone gonna break me.. i will even go as far as to say you did... but that was than this is now.... Monday eh? 1 more day to go.... 10 months you gone away for good now your are back?? As much as i hate you, i can't stop Loving you.. So it is written. So it shall come to pass.

2009-08-31T19:37:00.000-07:00

Play nice Nero?? it’s the only way to win

Who cares? We’re all drenched in sin

If I’m a backstabber, then you must have been my mentor

Learning your game and taking you down wasn’t hard to master

2009-08-31T16:23:00.001-07:00

I've defied demons both real and my own...
I am a sword of madness, held by the sheath of calm...
I was the future. I was the past. I am the present...
This is my life and how it unwinds..
I've defied pain of all sorts...
I am a shield of calm, beaten upon by the hammers of madness...
My life was. My life is. My life will be...
This is my life and how it finally soared...
have defied hatred in all its forms...
I was a flower, a rose trampled on the ground...
I was dying, I was saved, I am growing...

2009-08-28T14:51:00.000-07:00

I am the way to the city of woe. I am the way to forsaken people. I am the way to eternal sorrow. Walk with me My Flock, to The Clockwork Orange House of Fun .....

2009-08-28T14:34:00.000-07:00

See,Reasha no one respects the flame quite like the fool who's badly burned and Nero's Flock realizes how you betrayed them. How you let them down. How you let me down. What about me? What about NERO?

2009-08-28T14:30:00.000-07:00

If you want to join Nero's flock,Reasha you have to be yourself. You have to be true to who you are. You have to be unafraid to be different, to be laughed at, to be scorned. That's all it takes to follow me.So it is written. So it shall come to pass.