Failing miserably, falling slowly down,
My face can wear nothing but a pathetic frown.
Where have I gone to?
This isn’t the boy I knew.
Sitting around aimlessly, watching the ground,
It seems my mind is lost, nowhere to be found.
Anxiety comes in, try to find a reason,
To my displeasure, the awful feelings deepen.
I feel like my life is over,
Ponder over thoughts that hover.
Thoughts that invade my mind and won’t go away,
They’re infectious and consuming; I know they’re not okay.
Encouraging words spew from them,
I push them out quickly, with a little hesitation.
I feel the darkness take control,
Devouring the only part of me left, my soul.
The boy I was would never surrender,
Or give himself to the ghastly figure.
With the boy, I will never abide,
I’d much rather commit suicide.
I clench my teeth to bare the feeling,
Restless nights spent tossing and turning.
Laughing and crying when it’s one of those nights,
I feel too insane to put up a fight.
Drowning in fear, in my own sorrow,
Hoping to dear God, things will be different tomorrow.
Take a long stroll down my neighborhood,
No one to express myself to, I feel misunderstood.
Record all I go through and save it for another day,
Maybe I could begin to fathom, why I feel this way.
Go to class looking a complete mess,
People stare, sensing my distress.
I ignore all the glares,
Keep thinking ‘Who cares?’
My friends talk a lot and encourage me to do the same,
Though they’re there, I feel like I’m playing a lonely game.
I’m not in the mood to socialize,
What difference do I make in all of their lives?
Day after day, they become less persistent,
They said I’m being moody, and far too distant.
I guess what that means is, our friendship is done,
That only made me realize we never really had fun.
My teacher complained to my parents, how helpful…
But she left out the fact when she’d ­labeled me “Mental”
She swears I was talking to my paper,
I don’t know when that happened, I can’t remember.
Another teacher suggested counseling for me,
Though I didn’t want to go, Mom said it’s best for the family.
I didn’t open up to my therapist,
Like I’d really confess to a man I didn’t trust.
I skipped our next session,
Along with school, and earned detention.
I told myself to never skip again,
Even though school can be a pain.
High As were replaced with Cs,
Cs became Fs and my family weren’t pleased.
Long lectures followed very soon after,
The yelling and insomnia only caused more pressure.
I know exactly what they really expect,
But they should consider listening to my cries with respect.
What happened to who I was before?
I don’t like being this boy anymore.
I could only feel completely helpless,
There was no one I felt could cure this sickness.
I watched hopelessly as my body continued failing,
The alien boy can’t hear the old me calling.
The last thing I could do was scream and yell,
I knew all my defenses had crumbled and fell.
All control over my emotions, was overrun,
How would my family feel, losing their first adopted son?
Did they truly ever care about me?
Now that I’m breaking, I’m part of the family?
If I put a gun to my head, would they finally see?
I could end it right now, it’d be easy.
If I pull the trigger, would they start to care?
The cost is my life, would that be fair?
I decided I’d be better off if I pulled it,
And submissively die before reality hit.
By then I’d be lying still in my casket bed,
I’d rather not be alive, but dead instead.
I don’t want to sit around and watch my dreams fall apart,
Knowing I’m unable to help would only kill my heart.
Big ideas don’t matter anymore,
Now I wonder what I’ve waited for.
I lost the war against this boy,
My life was played with, just like a toy.
Here’s my evidence, I wrote it down for you,
You’re not the only one, I miss the old me too.
I got a crown, a halo over my head,
It obviously means, I’m finally dead.
That is suicide’s only incentive,
A ring of light, your body and spirit departed.
My slow, sad process of deterioration,
My life is no longer in my possession.
A confession to depression,
And of course to this new unloved person.
After so long of living in struggle and strife,
You finally succeeded in ruining my life.
I would want to live longer...