I think I'm gonna choose this month

To say what I wanna say

So that I can finally close this chapter of my life

The life that made me turn my insides out

So I guess I'm intentionally dedicating this blog

To this particular person

Who became one of the catalysts that brought these great alterations

(And then later labeled, by me, as the huge fuckin' PARASITE!)

Lately I've been feeling kind of weird

So I'm assuming that this was around the time it all started

When you decided to take everything for granted

And started to stick your nose

Everywhere you felt that it belonged

I've got one thing to say to you

And that's

THANK YOU!

Thank You, thank You, Thank you!!!

Because everything wrong that happened, every thing that I thought was a curse

Were actually Great blessings in diguise

You helped me grow...

You taught me well...

I thought that you left me with nothing

I thought that you took the best part of me

But you know what?

Your lies, your accusations, and your evil deeds

Piece by piece

Tore all of my own defilements

And exposed the person that I never knew

ME

I am made new

because of you

You tried to crush me

You tried to burn me

And you did

With the intention of obliterating ME

But baby

I've gradually sparkled into something new...

I know that I shouldn't have gotten involved with you in the first place

But hey

Look where I'm standing

SHIT!

I'm still standing

I wouldn't be here

if it weren't for you...
I would want to live longer...




I am the true bitter Demon of the circle

The circle that I situate is closed off from all human existence.

They say that the circumference of a circle is a simple equation.

This equation they say is Circumference equals Pi times radius squared.

Not this circle, you feeble-minded scumbags.



You know nothing of my life you piece of no I’m not going to swear

You’re not even worth that.

Don’t try to tell me how to live my life

You can’t even control your own life.

There’s nothing wrong with living life in shadows.



It means I don’t have to see them and myself together.

That scene I cannot bear to witness unto

The reverence of my blinded life has no avail.

No room left in my hotel of nothingness.

Don’t attempt to get close to me; I won’t let you.



The possibility of catastrophic tension evolving is high.

I could care less for you and your disgusting point of view.

Your opinion doesn’t mean anything to me and my decayed soul.

If I wanted your advice I would have beat it out of you.

Violence is the only thing that keeps me insane.



I like feeling nothing at all.

No pain, misery or anger; one less thing I have to worry about.

The feeling of nothing feels good enough for me.

At least I cannot achieve happiness and get torn to shreds.

All I have known is immense pain and profuse misery.



So go and get the hell right out of my life.

You don’t have access here no more.

I have dispossessed you and your wretched feelings.

They and you mean absolutely nothing to me now.

I am my own man and I will live my life my own way.



Even if that means dressing to depress

Or even fighting fire with benzine.

I will forever fuel the fire that is already ablaze.

If it gets out of hand I will just cover it with my spite.

Don’t try to tell me this wrong.



Again I don’t care about you and your thoughts and opinions

About me and my life.

I could care even less about you and your life.

You couldn’t even handle the knowledge about my morose psyche.

This is me discharging animosity in discontent...
I would want to live longer...



YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME, YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME..

You will never know me, you are lost, scared.You think this is an illusion?

No,it's reality.


No more shall you hurt me,

Trespass over me and my dignity.

No more will you mock me

For now the flames of my raging fury

Shall torment you forever!



Ever heard of “torturing to insanity”?

Oh well,

You will know it anyway!



You think you are better than me,

More knowledgeable, more bright,

Well you can forget that now,

You can wish you never crossed my path,

Wish I were a mere nightmare,

But all your wishes will be petty ashes.

I am real!

And the pain I will cause you

Will be too real!



I will make your life a living-hell,

Draw you out of the crowd,

Humiliate you, like you did me;

Agony and misery will be your food and drink,

Torture will be your daily routine.

Your suffering will be my utmost pleasure!



I will be everywhere and in everything

You see, hear, feel, eat, drink and even dream and breathe!

My fury will bind you, burn you,

And when you scream

No one will care, no one will bother.

Your cries will be sucked into oblivion

And forgotten forever!



You think I lie?

That I am not up to my word?



TRY ME!!



I will writhe every single hope out of you.

Your life and your sleep will be an ever-lasting agony!



The pain, the torture,

The misery, the excruciation

That I will inflict upon you

Will be the most devastating,

The most destructive,

The most wrecking,

The most obliterating of all!!



I will haunt your dreams,

Spoil your joy,

Annihilate all your hope,

I will shatter your very existence!



Death would be your saviour,

Your refuge, your relief,

But I will never kill you,

NEVER!

I will torture you till your brain boils,

Till your heart explodes,

Till your soul fades,

And your sanity will be lost

Forever!



You will be a living corpse,

A vampire would have more feeling,

Would know passion

As opposed to you!



Oh, the living-hell

I will put you through,

Death will be a paradise lost

Never to be regained.

Life will be an excruciating

And ever-lasting inferno!



And I,

I am the one to do it ALL!!
I would want to live longer...



No one has ever held my hand as they've taken me hostage


Nor have I ever been locked up for the night in the jail cell

So who could ever imagine that this perfect little me you see

Was cascaded in waves of an insufferable hell

No loved one who cared was there to see what was going on

Everyone bought the happiness and perfection they saw

While my ability to love and my will to live was gone



It's amazing ain't it, how I can live based on my nightmares

But when I really have the chance to choose I never take a dare



I'm not lying when I tell you I'm fucking happy now

I left behind all that burning pointless pain

You aren't dignified enough so don't bother asking how

Answering your question while I live through it twice?

But you can take this fake smile and shove it

Because after all of the "Come on, you know you love it"

I'm so fucking far from nice



You can't possibly understand your freedom

Unless someone else has made an important personal choice

You cannot value your ability to speak out loud

Until someone who doesn't love you has silenced a beautiful voice



I was dying with my secrets and they grew as a life of their own

In my soul remains my demons and they'll never leave their home



I'm not lying when I tell you I'm fucking happy now

I left behind all that burning pointless pain

You aren't dignified enough so don't bother asking how

Answering your question while I live through it twice?

But you can take this fake smile and shove it

Because after all of the "Come on, you know you love it"

I'm so fucking far from nice



I'll never forgive and I will never forget

But I'm young enough to live my life and I'd rather live without regrets

I know she doesn't regret what she did to me

So I can't be the person I was back then

Too terrified to cry out

To hurt to let anyone else in



I'm not lying when I tell you I'm fucking happy now

I left behind all that burning pointless pain

You aren't dignified enough so don't bother asking how

Answering your question while I live through it twice?

But you can take this fake smile and shove it

Because after all of the "Come on, you know you love it"

I'm so fucking far from nice



You think my journey has been easy?

You think time and distance will suffice?

Time can never erase these betrayals

Time will never make me nice



I'm so fucking far from nice.
I would want to live longer...


The Colors of Friendship



Once upon a time the colors of the world started to quarrel.

All claimed that they were the best;

the most important,

the most useful,

the favorite



GREEN said:

“Clearly I am the most important. I am the sign of life and of hope. I was
chosen for grass, trees and leaves. Without me, all animals would die. Look over the countryside and you will see that I am in the majority.”



BLUE interrupted:

“You only think about the earth, but consider the sky and the sea. It is the
water that is the basis of life and drawn up by the clouds from the deep sea. The sky gives space and peace and serenity. Without my peace, you would all be nothing.”



YELLOW chuckled:

“You are all so serious. I bring laughter, gaiety, and warmth into the world. The sun is yellow, the moon is yellow, the stars are yellow. Every time you look at a sunflower, the whole world starts to smile. Without me there would be no fun.”



ORANGE started next to blow her trumpet:

“I am the color of health and strength. I may be scarce, but I am precious for I serve the needs of human life. I carry the most important vitamins. Think of carrots, pumpkins, oranges, mangoes, and papayas. I don’t hang around all the time, but when I fill the sky at sunrise or sunset, my beauty is so striking that no one gives another thought to any of you.”



RED could stand it no longer, he shouted out:

“I am the ruler of all of you. I am blood - life’s blood! I bring fire into
the blood. I am willing to fight for a cause. I am the color of danger and of
bravery. Without me, the earth would be as empty as the moon. I am the color of passion and of love, the red rose, the poinsettia and the poppy.”



PURPLE rose up to his full height:

He was very tall and spoke with great pomp: “I am the color of royalty and power. Kings, cheifs, and bishops have always chosen me, for I am the sign of authority and wisdom. People do not question me! They listen and obey.”



Finally INDIGO spoke, much more quietly than all the others, but with just as much determination: “Think of me. I am the color of silence. You hardly notice me, but without me you all become superficial. I represent thought and reflection, twilight and deep water. You need me for balance and contrast, for prayer and inner peace.”



So the colors went on boasting,

each convinced of his or her own superiority.

Their quarreling became louder and louder.

Suddenly there was a startling flash of bright lightening.

Thunder rolled and boomed. Rain started to pour down relentlessly.

The colors crouched down in fear, drawing close to one another for comfort.

In the midst of the clamor, rain began to speak: “You foolish colors,

fighting amongst yourselves, each trying to dominate the rest.

Don’t you know that you were each made for a special purpose,

unique and different? Join hands with one another and come to me.”



Doing as they were told, the colors united and joined hands.



The rain continued:

“From now on, when it rains, each of you will stretch across

the sky in a great bow of color as a reminder

that you can all live in peace.

The Rainbow is a sign of hope for tomorrow.”



And so, whenever a good rain washes the world,

and a Rainbow appears in the sky,

let us remember to appreciate one another.
I would want to live longer...




tonight is the night


tomorrow is the morning i won't see

cause nothing ever turns out right

i guess it's just my destiny



did you ever notice how bright that lamp is?

im just waiting for a girl who's not so vibrant

that she plans to shine her light across the campus

you could call me picky or a tyrant

but girls aren't made of sugar and spice

and everything thats sweet and nice

they are made up of vanity and lies

that and a bedroom full of interchangeable guys



tonight is the night

tomorrow is the morning i wont see

cause nothing ever turns out right

i guess its just my destiny



and this "help!" is not a pity cry

it's just my life's hand waving goodbye



today i learned that no one will miss me tomorrow

every second of every day is only sorrow

how i can believe that one day the truth will come

is just as certain as wether or not i can keep the beat with the drum

so when it's all said and finally done

at my wake, i expect the mourning of only one

myself, for not living the life i was handed

i pushed every palm away and took every moment for granted
I would want to live longer...



As darkness is his very life,


he’s always in control

To roam in sheer destruction,

charging all a toll



No one escapes his heavy grasp,

to all; he knows he’ll call

But what to do now puzzles him,

so different white and small



To gaze upon pure innocence,

it shakes him to the core

Feeling fear for the first time,

something he abhors



Frozen by the sands of time,

as he chokes now on his guilt

Heartless as he walked the ages,

a reputation built



Would it be too easy,

to strike this creature dead

Alternatives are very slim,

that bounce around his head



To show it mercy tears at him,

it goes across his grain

For death is indiscriminate,

at random all are slain



Father time stops in his tracks,

to see him make his choice

Seconds now turn to hours,

as all in nature raise their voice



There seems to be an audience,

in this decision to be made

The wrong one could linger for years,

as he stares down at his blade



As he turns and walks away,

shame does cross his face

For death has let the rabbit live,

he cowers in disgrace



Mumbling to all,

he tells the tales from younger days

Then disappears into the woods,

surrounded by a haze
I would want to live longer...




Innocent though he may be,


I am the angel of dark death

I’ll take him from his resting place,

drinking his last breath



A child of such a tender age,

will grow here in our ways

We’ll torment in the strictest sense,

blackening his days



When he is a young disciple,

he’ll be nefarious in name

Evil he will spread on earth,

for torture is his game



Corrupting others in his league,

and rising to his lead

He’ll teach the youngsters heinous thoughts,

hate is what they’ll bleed



At the age of his consent,

we’ll bow and call him lord

The master of the underworld,

will be his just reward



So fear not little child,

as you walk hand in hand with death

As I steal your vital air,

you’ll breathe the devils breath
I would want to live longer...



Shredded from the inside out,


fucking pieces of a man

Mere wreckage of my past mistakes,

Processed, filed and scanned



Cheated, broken and lied to,

all my emotions left for dead

Shattered chards for feelings now,

only hanging by a thread



So terrified to trust again,

through this world I walk alone

Each turn does bring unhappiness,

from the vast wicked unknown



Just a little hyperactive,

maybe that’s why I don’t sleep

Blanketed with insecurity,

at least eight layers deep



To wear your heart upon your sleeve,

showing all the scars

Imprisoned by my solitude,

you just can’t see the bars



Facts are I am damaged goods,

let there be not one mistake

Silence is my real torment,

my mind and body shake



I am starving to find a person,

who will take me as I am

Overwrought with bullshit,

so tired of all their scams



Until that day I’ll be a mess,

frantic in my chains

On the fringe of lunacy,

with nothing normal in my veins
I would want to live longer...



Let’s get something straight


Once and for all

I don’t call, I’m not taking a fall

And the wall that you encased around my heart?

I retrieved it before it turned to hate



This is straight into the bloodstream

Of your consciousness

You’re a hot mess

And to think I was considering you to be part of

The process that allowed me to survive any test



This is straight into your brain

Your visual cortex

You can perplex me no more

I know the score, 2 + 2 IS four

I’ve reached the shore after months of

Swimming in the abyss of misery



Leave

me

the

fuck

alone



My heart is now the happy home of clear tranquility



But please, continue to talk about me

Cuss at me

And don’t forget, lie to me



Yes, I said lie to me

It’s what you’ve done best

Never was I worthy of the rest of your heart

Only the part that you wanted me to hold

Not the part that’s rampaging and cold

Bold enough to tell me that I think with my dick

That’s a trick, for wasn’t that the dick that

Made your mind and body click??



Oh wait, that was a lie too

But look at me, no ‘boo hoo hoo’



On my end, just my ability to depend on my own character



This is no subliminal message

I want this to be loud and clear

And anyone that holds you or I dear

Will see it and know I have no fear

And know exactly what I’m talking about



Attack my character??

Fine, let your mind revolve around your own reality

You and your version of “Must-See-Me, Me, Me”

Can just go away now and let me be



I wish it was chapter I could re-write,

I would have never written it in the first place

What a waste

Every fucking moment

I would have left it in space



And while flawed and imperfect,

I know when enough is enough

And I’m not that tough to be beaten on time and time again

And when the ticking time bomb goes off

And like the leaf that blows in the wind

The reality is you were still never the thing I needed most



To be my better Half....
I would want to live longer...



In the depths of the earth


I send all my pain.

It may visit me often,

but I will banish it again.



They think that I am not a threat

that they can harm me with ease.

The latter is true but the former construed -

for I am a walking disease.



Havoc to their precious worlds

will redeem some of their feats.

Nothing makes up for it

the way their heart ceases to beat.



My heart was crushed long ago

but that does not justify

the selfish grahzny bastards

leading me to cry.



So first I find their souls

and rip it from their chest.

Ruining their life and mind,

now that part is the best.



When they are wrecked and ruined

drowning in misery.

That's when I reveal myself

and smile witheredly.



I am your doom and suffering,

as they cower under my proposals.

The remnants of their life,

Now you're at my at my disposal.



Purge my hatred into you.

Forcefeed you excretion until you spew.

Slowly let all blood drain,

practise feats of searing pain.

Acid and bleach, vinegar and fire,

teasing and taunting to make you perspire.

In my domain now you'll suffer and I

crooning and ecstatic can watch as you die....



Then when all is said and done,

just revert back to line one.
I would want to live longer...


I've been beaten countless times


It hurts so much,

It hurts more

Than losing a thousand lives.



There's sorrow in my past,

present, and may i say future

I wish i was anything

Anything but this creature.



I wonder when this misery

is going to end

I beg, I cry

Waiting for that day

The day that i finally die.



I look into his face

my denominator,

Wondering will he also be

my terminator.



His eyes are full of evil and hate

he's the master of the underworld,

The master of fate.



As the day goes

Just fly by

I look for comfort

i look at the night sky.



I wish i was there

It's starry, and dark

To make

My own angel's mark.



Its stupid you know,

I've tried to confess

but the thing is

it'll all end in darkness.



I think of standing up

and just be brave

but the thing is

that will be my early grave.



I just sat there,

thinking of him

the one that will save me

but the light, so dim.



He's my hero,

He's my savior,

He'll save me from

this demented creator.



Until that day comes

I'll be sitting right here

Waiting, and waiting

Each passing year..
I would want to live longer...



Is it the truth or an illusion


is he beauty or a beast

Seven deadly sins for dinner

vanity the daily feast



Promising what is not his

and delivering only pain

With every vile indulgence

his youth begins to wane



Never a blemish on that face

not wrinkle or a crease

Of his painting torment calls

never does it cease



Pure debauchery and lust

for a woman curves

Opium to quell the fears

those which he deserves



Morbid twisted features

his shadows growing old

Oils wretched in crisis

as the punishment unfolds



“Prince Charming” in appearance

poison for a soul

Murder and gross mayhem

begin to take control



Portrait severely cracked

disfigured in the face

Body wilted from his sin

showing it disgrace



No atonement stops his torture

nowhere to retreat

This agony consumes him

giving tasting to his deceit



In final desperation

he carves the canvas with a knife

Fate does come full circle

Dorian Gray has lost his life
I would want to live longer...


Clutching to my sanity

as tears fall like the rain

Whispers trying to keep warm

wanting to explain



Darkness fall upon the day

the voices must be heard

Telling of tomorrows pain

and what has now occurred



Waking in a padded cell

the window painted black

I know that it’s all in my head

yet I keep coming back



And then the silence calls to me

it knows me by my name

Telling me I am not sick

and this is all a game
I would want to live longer...


                                             

Devour my chains of bondage,


give back my torment

Lift my drowned desires of torture,

hear sour lament



I pray you send my pain to me,

hear my joyful cries of woe

The pleasures of sin I crave so much,

once again bestow



My blackened soul needs stench of death,

to fill my empty chest

Ingesting flesh of mortal man,

here at your behest



Grant me hell for all I’ve done,

punish my ragged corpse

Help me to live in your love,

my mind again be warped



Dark lord hear my repugnant cry,

to fight along your side

Your will commands I do your bid,

my service to provide



Set free to roam their every dream,

anguished prayers rebuked

Beginning with my capture here.
I would want to live longer...


                                               Fear is My Name

The wind blows death across my feet


the howling of the trees

A scent just like humidity

reaching one hundred six degrees



Barren edge cuts as a knife

unfolds the forest down below

Awaiting sorrows solitude

a death that no one else can know



Nostrils flared with sunken eyes

sleep eludes me now for days

Ground bludgeoned from the hell before

I walk the burning haze



The silence here quite deafening

as the sweat pours down my skin

I fear no evil in these woods

but fear the evil kept deep within



Betraying all humanity

my heart and soul have turned to dust

Tears have long since died away

leaving sunken trails of rust



Nefarious my thoughts and deeds

a blunt deception of all mankind

With barbed tongue I spoke the words

and left them deaf and blind



Even the wicked abhor my name

all others just call me fear

Alone I’ve ruled for centuries

and once again I’ve reappeared



To walk this final battleground

where only the silence rules the day

In ruins combatants strewn these fields

no graves for them to lay



This war of hatred their demise

they’ve followed blindly just as sheep

Fighting me with all their might

only to watch the masses reaped



Millennia of waging wars

without a noble cause had they to win

Payment rendered in full today

suffering now for all their sins



Blow the stench of malevolence

to every nation far and wide

From me you’ll find no way to win

and no where you can hide
I would want to live longer...